I decided that writing about Landon and my feelings is something that I needed to do. I feel that it is something that I need to continue.
When I started the 31 days of grief project, I decided to "make it my own". You were simply asked to photograph the topics and post, I decided to start a blog and write about how I felt about the particular topic.
At the beginning, I was emotionally and mentally stuck (for lack of a better word). I had been in counseling for months trying to help me deal with a fear that stemmed from losing Landon. My fear? Losing Jaxon.
I had already buried one son, there is no way in hell I could live through burying another son, I just couldn't. Since before Jaxon was born, I've been dealing with an intense overwhelming fear of his death. I couldn't get his nursery ready because he was probably going to die anyway, just like Landon. I couldn't get his things out and washed and put in place because he was probably going to die, just like Landon, then I'd have to face putting things away unused... again, just like with Landon. I couldn't even think about his birth and coming home because I knew he was probably going to die and we'd be planning a funeral again, just like Landon.
I didn't think about bringing him home, I thought about his burial. I figured that we would have to buy a new cemetery plot because there is no more room by Landon. I knew we would have to buy a new plot to have him buried and then move his brother so they could be next to each other. Can you imagine? A new mother-to-be thinking about cemetery plots, just in case? It was crazy, but I thought about it all the time.
Then Jaxon was born, and he didn't die. I heard him cry; I saw his eyes. I held him and I never wanted to let him go. I tried every day to remember every single little detail about him, every thing he did, every noise he made, every move he made... just in case, because if he died, I needed to be able to remember. The first time he laughed, I tried desperately to commit that to memory, not because it was his first laugh, rather I did it just in case I never heard him laugh again. The first time he rolled over, the next time he laughed, the first time he babbled, the next time he rolled over, the first time he sat up, the next time he babbled... every single thing he did I needed to remember, just in case it was the last time he ever did it.
Then it got worse, instead of worrying constantly about Jaxon dying, I started seeing bad things happening to him. I would hold his hand and he would wrap his fingers around my finger and I would see someone break all his little fingers. I would dress him and I would see someone snap his precious little legs. Every time I touched him I would see someone hurting him.
Then it got worse, instead of worrying about him dying, instead of "seeing" him hurt, I started seeing his death. I would be driving to his pediatrician and see the truck fly off the bridge and I couldn't get him out and he would drown. He would be sleeping and I would see him limp from having passed in his sleep. Every time I did anything or went anywhere, I would see it turning around to him dying.
I've taken literally thousands and thousands of pictures of Jaxon. He would move and I'd take a picture, just in case I never was able to take another picture. Thoughts of Jaxon dying were consuming my mind all the time. I couldn't make them go away, I didn't know how, that's what I had decided to seek help for... I didn't want to be sitting with my 5 year old and regret spending his baby and toddler years scared and worried when I should have been enjoying having a baby and a toddler.
Then I found and started the 31 days of grief project. Within days of starting, something was different. I can't explain what exactly, but I can say that I started seeing Jaxon differently. It was like I could see HIM. JAXON was there. JAXON was living. Jaxon wasn't dead and I could see that. A few more days and I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I thought he would get hurt, I couldn't remember the last time I thought he would die. I don't know how it happened so fast, but I'm thankful that it did. Maybe it was the actual writing. Maybe my mind needed me to take a little time each day, a little time each week, just a little time here and there to devote to Landon and how I feel about his life and his death. Maybe I felt guilty that I couldn't help Landon survive, that I couldn't take care of him like a mother is supposed to do, that I couldn't keep him safe. Maybe I felt guilty that I was trying to do these things for Jaxon when I couldn't do them for Landon. I don't know.
What I do know is that Jaxon is my son, just like Landon, but unlike Landon, Jaxon is living and I am finally, finally able to begin embracing his life and it feels great. Landon and Jaxon are both my sons, they are brothers and I love them.
For today, I decided to create a picture with both of my boys. I used a picture of Landon from shortly after his birth and I used a picture of Jaxon from shortly after his birth.
Landon Paul and Jaxon Paul, my sweet sons.
