Day 19: Project

After years and years of waiting, you're finally pregnant and you're finally having a child of your very own. You've had the baby shower; the nursery is complete; everything has been cleaned; the house is all set; you're ready to welcome your new baby home. You can't wait to experience what you've dreamed of for years, leaving the hospital with your newborn baby.

Sometimes dreams turn into nightmares.

Sometimes nightmares turn into reality.

You've gone to the doctor and they decided you would be delivered that evening or the next morning. You call your husband at work and tell him you're being sent to the hospital and the baby is coming that night or the next morning, you're exited, your moment is finally here, you're finally getting everything you've ever dreamed of, you're finally having a baby.

You get to the hospital and finally get into a room. The nurse gets the monitors for contractions and for the baby's heart rate. Your husband comes into the room, you are amazed that he got there so fast! The nurse turns on the monitor and places it on your baby bump. She moves it around and around and around, she can't find the baby. It's no concern because they had just found the baby at the doctor office, your little one must have moved. The nurse goes to get an ultrasound machine so she can see exactly where the baby is.

Your dream is about to turn into a nightmare that is about to become your reality.

You look at the ultrasound image as the nurse brings the baby into focus and because you've had enough ultrasounds you are acutely aware that there is something wrong, you notice that there is no movement.

Your dream has become your nightmare, your baby has no heartbeat. The world around you becomes a flurry of doctors and nurses that all meld into each other as your mind tries to comprehend what you've been told. Things are happening around you but you can no longer focus on anything.

Your nightmare becomes reality as you're prepared to deliver your child, your child who will not cry, your child who will not take a breath, your child who has passed away.

You will not leave this hospital with your sweet newborn baby, the guy from the funeral home will leave with your child. You will leave this hospital with a broken heart and empty arms.

Day 19 is project. I left the hospital with nothing except a broken heart. For Landon's first birthday, I made several "goodie bags" for moms just like me, moms leaving the hospital without their baby. I hand crocheted a hat for the baby and I crocheted a very small duplicate for mom to keep. I made little bags for a lock of the baby's hair and I included a small pair of scissors to be used for mom to keep. I asked friends to donate cameras and I included a disposable camera with a list of pictures to remember. A baby loss organization called S.O.B.B.S (stories of babies born still) donated bracelets that said "Mom of an Angel" that I included as well. I knew that another mom would be going home with a broken heart but I was hoping that I could help, just a little, with the empty arms. For Day 19, I chose a picture of some of the bags I donated in memory of my son.