Day 15: Wave of Light

October is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. The 15th is set aside for a day of remembrance. A day to remember all of our babies taken way too soon.

The baby loss community comes together across the world to create a wave of light on this day each year... a wave for our babies. At 7:00 pm, in your respective time zone, you are asked to simply light a candle and let it burn for one hour... that's it. This one hour creates a wave of light, from time zone to time zone, around the world.

Day 15 is supposed to be a photo of the wave of light. My photo didn't come out that great, so I asked a dear friend if I could use hers, she said yes, let me tell you about my friend.
Late in 2009, I joined an online group called April 2010 Expecting Club, we were all pregnant with babies that were due in April 2010. There were over 100 women that came together to enjoy our pregnancies. We complained about morning sickness together, cried about hormones together, found out "boy/girl/surprise" together, we were there for each other, and soon enough we started sharing our birth stories together, we were there for each other. I had no idea that I would go through so much with these women.
In January we prayed together when our first "Dew Drop" was born so early, in February we cried together when one of our "Dew Drops" lost his daddy before he was even born, in March we cried together as two of our "Dew Drops" passed away.
One of these women and I had no idea just how much we would go through together. Sabrina's baby girl was due 2 weeks before my surprise was due. On March 25, 2010 I woke up sick and would spend the next 24 hours going through the worst experience in my life as I learned I had sudden severe preeclampsia and would have my baby that evening. Except, my baby didn't make it to that evening, I was sick, my baby died, I still had to give birth, and I hadn't even been able to tell my friends yet.
When I was able, I got on my computer and typed out my birth story "Landon's birth story - RIP baby". I wrote the story out in notepad because I didn't want to see the happy birth stories, I didn't want to be reminded of such joy when mine had been ripped from me. When I finally logged on to let my friends know that Landon was born and had passed away, there was a new birth story that had just been posted, my friend Sabrina had given birth to her sweet baby girl on March 25, her birth story "RIP princess Kylee"... our babies came together and our babies left together.
Landon and Kylee, an angel's bff. We had both given birth, two mommas with new babies, two babies that never took one breath, two mommas with broken hearts, crushed dreams, two mommas lost.
Sabrina and I fell into the baby loss hole together and we've been climbing out together for the past two and a half years. We feel our babies are best friends in heaven.
Sabrina has a special pink candle for Kylee and a blue candle for Landon. Each year she lights these candles for their birthdays and for the wave of light. This year, she set up a wonderful candle display for the wave of light, Kylee's candle, Landon's candle, and several other candles, and if I'm not mistaken, that little teddy bear in the middle holds Kylee.
I love you Sabrina, I know that Kylee and Landon are together, and even if we are never able to get together on this side, I'm sure they'll bring us together on the flip side! <3

Day 14: Community

The baby loss community is sadly huge. Through my loss I have found a huge network of support from around the world. There are many online support sites for losing a child.

I had already been part of some of these online communities. I was part of an expecting group of over 100 women that were all expecting in April 2010. When Landon died, I searched the online community for support in the loss and quickly found a support group. That support group led to another and another. I have met so many great women online, I can't even begin to name them all. They quickly opened their arms and welcomed me into their lives. Unfortunately it's like a revolving door... women are losing their babies every single day and coming in for support.

Eventually many in the group move on to the "next step" together. The next round of women will do the same. Some will be there to support long after their "core" group has left. Those women are strong, very strong. It's very hard to stay and read new stories every single day that resemble your own, new stories of lost dreams, new stories of lost hope, new stories of babies dying, new stories that feel so very old because you already know the ending...

I keep in contact with many women that hit the online loss community around the same time as I did. We cry together, we laugh together, we've become pregnant again together, we support each other, we're friends. I wish I could get the chance to meet all of my new friends in person. I have hundreds of friends that I've met through the baby loss community, I've met 3 in person. Day 14 is community, the picture I've chosen is a picture of 3 very special women, all three of them are very strong women. They continue to help new mommas. I'd be willing to bet that if you ask a baby loss mom to name a few of the "big names" in the baby loss community, women who are there for others, women who help, women who have done great things to help others, these three names would come up. Here's a picture of me with Tara, Tamberly, and Bridgette. (Tara, Tamberly, Bridgette, and me)

Day 13: Signs

Many people who lose a loved one believe their loved ones send them signs. 

Sometimes when I see a butterfly, I believe Landon sent it to me. Maybe he just wanted to send me a smile, and it came in the form of a butterfly. I don't feel that way every time I see a butterfly, only when he wants me to feel that way, only when he wants me to feel him.

I believe that our lost loved ones are able to send us signs when we need them. Maybe they need to see a smile on our face so they send us a butterfly, that butterfly makes us smile, and that butterfly has served its purpose. Maybe they send us a certain flower, perfectly bloomed and swaying in the wind to catch our attention, and make us smile, and that flower has served its purpose. I believe Landon sends me rainbows.

After Landon died, most of his stuff was packed up, placed in his bedroom, and the door closed. I insisted his swing remain in the living room. I spent months lying on the couch pushing that empty swing, then I spent months lying on the couch pushing my Molly Bear Landon on that swing. One day while I was rearranging Landon Bears blankets I noticed the smallest rainbow right on my foot. My foot was directly below the swing, I tried to follow that rainbow to its source but was unsuccessful... that rainbow was from Landon.

One day I was playing cards at my moms house with several family members. As I reached to the center of the table, the tiniest rainbow appeared on my bicep. A smile immediately came upon my face. I knew it was from Landon and I said so. One of the family members said it wasn't from him and insisted it was "because of the sun shining on something". I decided to follow it to its source since I hadn't been able to do so with that first rainbow. After a minute or so I was able to follow this rainbow to the peep hole in my moms front door. We were sitting in the dining room, the door was in the living room, the sun was at the exact location to shine through that itty bitty peep hole and send a tiny rainbow directly on MY bicep, I do not believe that was a coincidence... that rainbow was from Landon.

One afternoon on my school bus route, the sun was exceptionally bright. As I made a turn, I noticed something near the sun, it was a sliver of a rainbow. When I looked closer, I saw that there were actually two slivers of a rainbow, one on either side of the sun. Those two little rainbows made me smile... I think Landon was letting me know that he and his angel bff Kylee were saying hi... those rainbows were sent from Landon.

In the baby loss community, we speak of "rainbow babies". If you've been wondering what exactly we mean... 

A rainbow baby is a baby that is born following the loss of a baby. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of better things to come. Having just experienced the storm, the rainbow is that much more appreciated. Rainbow babies are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath, what it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope. 

Along with all the other rainbows, I received my rainbow baby a little over 19 months after Landon died. Jaxon is my rainbow baby... a special rainbow sent from Landon.

One morning, Jaxon was playing on the floor and I noticed a little rainbow right on his head. Seeing that little rainbow on Jaxon's head made me smile, it made me think that Landon was there playing with his little brother... that rainbow was sent from Landon.

Another day Jaxon was napping on his boppy and a tiny rainbow appeared on his forehead. Another sign that Landon was there with his little brother... another rainbow sent from Landon.

Day 13 is signs... Landon sends me rainbows. I noticed a rainbow on my living room floor one day and started to follow it to its source. I put my hand in the rainbow and started following, then I got distracted by the rainbow. I was mesmerized by the colors, I was holding a rainbow in my hand, an actual rainbow in my hand... I could have chosen the picture I took of the rainbow on my foot, I could have chosen one of the pictures of the rainbows on Jaxon's head, but I chose a picture of the rainbow in my hand. I can no longer hold Landon in my hands, but he gives me rainbows, and I can hold his rainbows.

Day 12: Scents

Day 12 is supposed to be scents. After thinking long and hard for any scents that remind me of my baby, I came up empty. The normal scents you would think would remind me of my son do not. Baby powder, baby lotion, diapers, wipes, none of these remind me of Landon because I never got to experience any of these things with Landon. I never got to change his diaper, I never got to wipe his butt, I never got to put baby powder on him, I never got to put baby lotion on him. I never got to experience any of these things with my son.

Since I don't have any scents that remind me of Landon, I decided to change day 12 to "community support". There are many baby loss moms that have used their loss to help others. I will not even try to name them all as I will surely forget at least one. Instead, I will talk about my very favorite, Molly Bears. You can visit their website at www.mollybears.com and see what they are all about. My friend Bridget, who I met through the baby loss community, lost her daughter 2 months after I lost my son, you can read her story here... http://www.mollybears.com/our-story/molly-bears-story
My Molly Bear Landon was one of the bears Bridget made when she was just starting out, I think he was her 6th bear. I am so grateful for my bear. He weighs 4lb 12oz, just like my Landon weighed. On those dark nights when you need to hold your baby but can't, holding the weight of your baby fills those empty arms.

Molly Bears works off donations to put bears in the arms of thousands of broken hearted mommas. If you would like to donate to Molly Bears there is a donation link of their website. I would be so thankful if you donated in memory of my son Landon so that another mom can have a bear to fill her aching empty nights.

After Landon died, I spent all my time lying on the couch, my arm stretched out pushing an empty swing. When I got my Molly Bear Landon, he sat in that empty swing. He filled part of a void and I am so thankful for wonderful friends like Bridget. Here is a picture of my Molly Bear Landon sitting in the swing...

Day 11: Supportive Friends/Family

Imagine losing your hold on life, everything you knew... is no more, what you thought you had... is gone, your world has been flipped upside down and there's not a thing you can do about it. It's not a good feeling, not a good feeling at all.

In fact, you're feeling your worst, yet you're not feeling at all, not really. Your mind kind of shuts off. I imagine it's some sort of self preservation mechanism, or something. Losing your baby is not natural, it's not suppose to happen, so there are no coping mechanisms in place. Rather than swell up and BURST, your brain simply falls into self preservation mode and shuts off that portion. You think you're feeling and grieving, but you're really just barely functioning.
If you talk to any baby loss mom, they'll tell you that some time after their loss, generally several months or longer, it's like they suddenly wake up, like a fog has lifted, and they didn't even realize they were living in a fog.

I remember my fog lifting, I remember thinking where have I been... it's like you can finally start thinking clearly, you can finally feel again, you can finally start grieving, and eventually, you find that you can finally start living again.

Day 11 is supportive friends/family. When you fall into that hole of baby loss, when your brain shuts down, while your body sits at the bottom of that hole waiting for your brain to catch up, that's when you find out who your friends are. As I've said before, there will be people at the top of that hole who will move on without you... maybe they're too busy, maybe they're too uncomfortable, maybe they're just not the friends you thought they were. Through your loss, you'll find out who really matters. There will be some friends and family that step up and support you as best they know how. I have several people who have been there for me every step of the way. I have one person who has who has truly seen me through every step. This person has been there at my weakest and continues to help me stand when I fall. This one person continues to stand by my side through thick and thin, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm mad, they are always there holding my hand. This is the only person who has seen me at my worst and continues to be there for me no matter what I do and no matter what I say, because he knows the grief I feel first hand... he lost his son too. This is a picture of my husband, Landon's daddy, Paul.

Day 10: Symbol

I was trying to think of a symbol for my baby, something that is symbolic to me. I've thought for days. 

Lots of things remind me of Landon...

Whenever I see a butterfly, I imagine that somehow, Landon is floating near me. I think of the poem about butterflies coming near us and how for just that moment, their beauty belongs to us, but then the butterfly flies away again and even though we are sad to see it go, we feel lucky to have seen it... my time with Landon was short, quick like the butterfly. Butterflies are beautiful and when I see butterflies, I think of Landon.

Every summer there are a few dragonflies flying around. I've never associated them with Landon, but when I saw this one particular red colored dragonfly, I immediately thought of Landon. Dragonflies are beautiful and when I see them, I think of Landon.

I've lived in Michigan for most of my life. There are 4 very distinct seasons here. Fall is full of color but I've never noticed that. The past 2 years I've been mesmerized by the colors of fall. Brilliant reds, oranges, browns, yellows, they're just so so beautiful. I can't believe I've missed years of beautiful fall colors, my baby will never see one and I've taken them for granted. The beauty in the fall colors is magnificent and when I see fall colors, I think of Landon.

Sunrise, sunset. I've never cared about the sunrise. I've always been sleeping. Since my son died I take more time. I take time to look at things, things for which I had never had time. One of those things I notice is the beauty in the sunrise and the beauty in the sunset. Pre-loss I simply didn't care. Post-loss I can't get enough. The colors amaze me more every single day. In my job, I am privileged to be able to see the sun rise over the Bay 5 days a week. The beauty amazes me and when I see the sunrise, I think of Landon.

I've never been big on flowers, I like them but they don't really do anything for me. Since Landon passed away, I'm consistently amazed at the beauty in flowers. Each flower is beautiful. I love the colors, I love the smells, and although I never did in the past, I always stop to smell them. Flowers are beautiful and when I see them, I think of Landon

Day 10 is supposed to be a symbol for your baby. Since Landon died, I have started taking time to see the beauty in things. Beauty, somehow, makes me feel hopeful. For me, beauty and hope symbolize my baby. I chose a picture of some flowers and a garden plaque that were given to me by a group of women I met online. We were all pregnant at the same time and due in April 2010. Some of these women have experienced loss, some have not, but they have been great to me during my loss. These flowers and garden stone were given to me from the April 2010 Dew Drops for Landon's first birthday. The stone says it all...

Day 9: Special Place

A special place that brings me peace... 

A beautiful garden created in memory of my angel Landon. A soft glow of lights entangles a winding stone pathway, with an end that circles back to the beginning, each stone picked special and placed accordingly. Flowers abundant with their rainbow colors. Sculptures everywhere, angels, children playing, frogs, squirrels, and bird baths. The calming sound of flowing water, a stream flowing over layers of rocks like little waterfalls. A swing sits in the midst of this beauty, a swing where I can find peace, a swing shaded by a big northern red oak. This big northern red oak sits in the center of it all, a tree planted in memory of my angel, Landon's tree.

This is my special place.

...it exists only in my mind. 

For now, my special place is a just a twig sticking out of the ground, a twig that sprouts new leaves each spring, turn red each fall, and fall off each winter...