March, 2013: Today

He visited me in my dreams last night. I couldn't see him, but I could feel him. He used to visit me in my dreams all the time, I could always see him but I could never pick him up... that's how I knew I was dreaming, he'd start crying, I'd try to pick him up and I never could. I'd quickly try to savor the moment before I woke up and he was gone again. Last night was different though, I can't remember what I was dreaming, but I know he was there. I could feel him all around and I kept trying to see him. I wanted desperately to see what he looked like. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to know who he was now. The Kenny Chesney song, Who You'd Be Today kept playing and I just couldn't see him, no matter how hard I tried.

I woke up this morning with the song stuck in my head "sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today..." so I posted a link on my facebook page. I figure that's about the closest I can come to acknowledging that he visited me.

Like the song says...
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today...

I picture Landon as an angel in Heaven. As time passes, he grows in my mind. I don't think there is a right or a wrong way to picture our loved ones that have passed away. Today, I decided that a picture of an angel child would be appropriate. I wonder, who would Landon be today...

February 2013: Better than a hallelujah

I am a radio channel surfer. I have been for a long time. Seriously, at any given time, you could put any station on and I guarantee that within three songs, I'll know at least one. Ask my husband, I think it drives him crazy ;)

I used to listen to K-love most of the time. After Landon died, not so much. I actually haven't "surfed" over to K-love since shortly after he died. Eh, it is what it is.

This is the way that happened... when Landon died I stopped the channel on K-love, I NEEDED to hear the song we played at this funeral, Homesick by Mercy Me. I started really listening to lyrics. I heard songs about faith that I had heard a dozen times before, and had sang along with a dozen times before, I had heard them but never really heard them.

There were several songs that had lyrics I simply needed to hear, I needed them to keep going. One of the things that happens when your child dies, is that your world stops. Everything just stops, only it doesn't. It only stops for you, for everyone else, life continues on as it always was. It stops for you, everything is gray, nothing matters, your world will never be the same, everything is forever changed.

Some of the songs had lyrics that kept me moving day to day... such as What Faith Can Do by Kutless. It starts out saying "Everybody falls sometimes, you gotta find the strength to rise, from the ashes, and make a new beginning". The song goes on to talk about dreams moving mountains, hope never ending, miracles happening, silent prayers being answered, and broken hearts becoming brand new. The song ends by telling you "even if you fall sometimes, you will have the strength to rise". Songs like this and others were perfect for me, they were just what I needed to hear each and every day, they kept me going.
Then one day...
I heard this song that said "God loves a lullaby, in a mother's tears in the dead of night, better than a hallelujah sometimes..."
What? Seriously? "God loves a drunkards cry, the soldier's plea not to let him die, better than a hallelujah sometimes..."
I was shocked. This was NOT what I needed to hear, not even close to what I needed to hear! I mean, really? I spent my nights crying myself to sleep. During the day, you can keep busy, but at night, all you have are your thoughts. They bombard you. The baby. The doctor shaking her head. The doctor saying there's no sign of blood flow to the heart. The doctor telling you "I'm sorry". The thoughts hit you and hit you and hit you and you can't make them go away and you can't shut them off and the events surrounding the death of your child replay over and over and no matter how hard you try, you fall asleep in tears every single night. The night time is the worst.
Now I'm hearing this song saying that God loves a lullaby in my tears in the dead of night? Why would God love my tears in the dead of night? Why would God love my tears for my son? Why would God love my tears for my dead son? Why? Why? Wouldn't a hallelujah be so much better than my tears? Why?
I heard the song again, tears started flowing, I changed the station, I took it off my presets and I never went back. Eventually I forgot about the station and I moved forward in my grief and I forgot about that song.

Recently, I surfed back to K-love.

I've been listening for two to three weeks. Hearing songs I remember that I loved. Hearing songs that I needed, once again, to hear. I was amazed to get in my husband's car and find that he too had surfed back to K-love.

The other day, I was listening and a song that I had forgotten about came on the radio... "God loves a lullaby, in a mother's tears in the dead of night, better than a hallelujah sometimes. God loves a drunkard's cry, the soldier's plea not to let him die, better than a hallelujah sometimes..." the tears started flowing. Rather than change the station, I listened. "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody, beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts, are better than a hallelujah." Really? I just don't get it. How can God hear a melody when we're in pain, when we're suffering, how can that be? Still, I continued listening. "The woman holding on for life, the dying man giving up the fight, are better than a hallelujah sometimes. The tears of shame for what's been done, the silence when the words won't come, are better than a hallelujah sometimes." And I'm in tears and the song goes on, "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody, beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts, are better than a hallelujah. Better than a church bell ringing, Better than a choir singing out, singing out." My thoughts are jumbled I'm confused, how, how are all these miseries better, how are they better than a hallelujah, how? How? How? And the song continues, "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody, Beautiful the mess we are, The honest cries of breaking hearts, Are better than a Hallelujah". And all at once, I get it. I get it. My tears themselves are not better than a hallelujah, my crying to God is better than a hallelujah. I get it, because it's really easy to praise God when things are going your way. It's really easy to praise God when your life is not in turmoil. It's when you're at your low, when you're thinking there's just nothing left, when you have run out of hope, when you have no more will, when you are done, when you are at your end, and you reach out to God... that's what's better than a hallelujah. Asking God for help, praising Him when you feel like you have nothing, it's like music to his ears. It's you saying, I'm still here God, I'm still waiting, I still believe... It's easy to praise God when everything is going right, it's another whole ball game to praise God when everything is going wrong. And the song finishes, "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody, Beautiful the mess we are, The honest cries of breaking hearts, Are better than a Hallelujah." The honest cries, that's what better, it's not the breaking hearts, it's the honest cries, I get it, at least I feel like I get it.
"Better than a Hallelujah sometimes...
Better than a Hallelujah."

I've been listening to K-love again. I've been listening now for a couple of weeks. I feel ok. I will never be "as good as I was" but I can be "ok" and for right now, I'm ok.

Better Than a Hallelujah on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOHJghBU0XA

December 2012: Another Group of Angels

(You'll have to forgive me, I have been working on this post for nearly a month now :'( it's just so hard)
The recent shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary, through the eyes of a grieving mother.
No parent should ever out live their child. As a mother that has buried a child, I believe it is the absolute worst possible pain that one can endure. Children dying senselessly. It makes no sense. It's just not fair.

I am not able to watch the news about these deaths on tv. I am not able to read about these deaths on the internet. I am not able to see these pictures on facebook. It just hurts too bad, my heart is full, and I can't handle that much hurt.
I simply cannot handle seeing the amount of pain that was caused. I said hello and goodbye to my child the day he was born, I cannot fathom having had him for 6 years and saying goodbye... it's just too much.

I thought about the "sharing" (on facebook, in the news, and wherever else) of these children, their names, their photos, their stories and I started to wonder, is the feeling I get, the need to hurry and scroll past as fast as possible so I see as little as possible, is that how those who have never lost a child feel about the posts I make about Landon? Do they scroll past as quickly as possible thinking how sad his death is but not able to really look for fear of my reality becoming their reality?
That's what I do with the posts regarding the shooting.
Do they skip past his pictures because looking at him makes him real?
That's what I do with the pictures of the kids from the elementary school.
I wonder if we skip past those things which we cannot ourselves stand to imagine could really happen. I wonder if we skip past those posts, those pictures, anything that represents something that we desperately hope we will never have to "live" ourselves.
I do.

I've seen the lists of names and photos passed around. It's a very sad thing that happened. It's sad that all these lives were lost way too soon.
I wanted to share that there is another list of names that people are less inclined to share, another group of precious angels. For some reason, these children are not talked about; they are not shared. I thought I'd put together a list. Another list of children. Another list of children taken from their mothers way too soon.
As selfish as this may sound, my child deserves to be remembered too. Each of these children deserve to be remembered too. The difference... pregnancy and infant loss is still taboo. We're not supposed to talk about our children. We're expected to just "move on". Our babies lived their lifetime too, a lifetime so short, all they ever knew was love.

Today I decided to simply create a list, a list of beautiful children taken from this world way too soon.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss is real, break the silence.

Daniel McAleavey 4.18.80 placental abruption
Bailey Austin-Allen 10.29.99 unknown
Baby Wittig March 2003 unknown
Kennedie Madison 6.15.04 rare chromosome abnormality
Alyssa Marie 1.16.05-3.22.05 TAPVR/pulmonary vein stenosis
Ryan David 8.9.05-8.11.05 congenital heart defects
Michael Patrick 5.18.06 hypertwisted umbilical cord
Joseph Matthew 6.27.06 unknown
Kaitlyn Elizabeth (triplet B) 7.19.06-8.8.06 infection received in NICU
Reece Bradford 8.4.06 cord accident & IUGR due to Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome
Trinity Leigh 8.18.06 prematurity due to pre-e and blood clotting disorder
Allison Hannah 10.29.06 possible velamentous cord insertion
Ethan Patrick and Casey Lawrence 3.7.07 unknown
Luke Michael 4.10.07 umbilical stricture/IUGR
Esther Grace 6.18.07 unknown/possible blood clot
Michael Gabriel 6.28.07 placenta separated
Elijah August 8.15.07 fetal maternal hemorrhage caused by blood clot in placenta
Chloe Danielle and Zoe Grace 8.20.07 acute stage 4 twin to twin transfusion syndrome
Thomas 10.5.07-10.6.07 spina bifida, hydrocephalus, tethered spine & lemon head
Tanner 11.30.07
Josiah 12.18.07 blood clot in placenta due to Factor V Leiden Mutation
Grace March 2008 miscarriage
Ethan Dane 3.24.08 vitamin deficiency caused by blood clotting disorder
Anthony Micheal 5.6.08 preterm labor and Mateo Joseph 5.6.08 preterm labor and Ian Vincent 5.6.08-5.7.08 preterm labor
Caleb Michael 7.16.08 cord accident
Chloe Grace 7.18.08 velamentous cord insertion & vasa Previa & preterm labor
Abigail 8.8.08 placental infarction (blood clots)
Asiah Maye 10.8.08 true knot
Isaiah Daniel 10.23.08 suspected cord accident
Shiloh Jayden 10.28.08 umbilical cord accident
Faith 12.3.08
Christian 12.18.08 umbilical cord accident
Baby Kittu 1.27.09 unknown
Aidan Jonathan 4.15.09 cord accident
Lukas Brian 4.29.09 unknown
Samual Liam Clarke 5.13.09 cord accident
Nicholas 5.25.09 unknown
Lucas 6.6.09 cord accident or IUGR
Ryann McKenna 6.22.09 infection
Zach 7.8.09 cord accident
Emory Elizabeth 7.8.09 IUGR
Benjamin 7.12.09 prematurity due to maternal infection
Maxwell 8.31.09 hydrops fetalis
Bryna Rose 9.2.09 blood clots
Alexis Lynn 9.10.09 incompetent cervix
Madelyn 9.19.09 chorioamnionitis & possible mild placental abruption
Jackson 9.21.09 cord accident
Roselyn Belle 9.30.10 Potter's Syndrome (BRA)
Adam Douglas 10.17.09 membrane broke too soon
Temperance 11.3.09 unknown/possible CMV
James Elvis 11.15.09 chromosome anomaly
Ian Michael 11.17.09-2.13.10 bacterial pneumonia from RSV
Emilyn Elisabeth and Hailey Grace 11.30.09 extreme prematurity due to preterm labor
Carly Elizabeth 12.20.09 cord accident/torsion
Trenton James 1.5.09 incompetent cervix
Abigail 1.9.10 trisomy 18 (edwards syndrome)
Isabella Marie 1.12.10 central nervous system damage due to broken neck from excessive force used with forceps by delivering doctor
Marshall Embary 1.16.10 unknown/IUGR
Dylan 1.24.10 incompetent cervix
Leta Blue 2.21.10 OI type IV, born with 12 broken bones
Ella Rose 2.24.10 suspected IC/PROM
Daniel Stephen MacEwen 3.5.10 unknown
Skylar Reigh 3.6.10 unknown
Benjamin James 3.6.10 infection
Payton Leary 3.6.10 IUGR & preeclampsia
Elana Reese 3.16.10 unknown
Alicia Autumn 3.17.10 incompetent cervix/infection
Kylee Raelynn Marie 3.25.10
Landon Paul Rodgers 3.26.10 sudden severe preeclampsia at 35 weeks
Leah 3.29.10
Keith Jamal Nicholson Jr 4.16.10 placental abruption
William Matthew 4.16.10 blood clot in umbilical cord
Joey 4.18.10 blood clot caused by Factor V Leiden
Austin Bradley 4.29.10 placental separation due to preeclampsia
Avery 5.3.10 complete placenta abruption due to preeclampsia
Violet Peace 5.8.10 premature birth
Robert Emerson 5.12.10 placental abruption
Molly Christine Crews 5.30.10 true knot in her cord
Abigail Renee June 2010 turner syndrome
Elam Benjamin 6.8.10 chorioangiomatosis of placenta in diffuse causing IUGR
Hailey Lynn 6.10.10 gasterl sanititus
Jessey Isaac 6.23.10 trachea not properly formed
Gannon Henry Howell 7.4.10 IUGR
Kieren lee-roy 7.15.10 unknown
Dean Stephen 8.26.10-8.31.10 hydrops fetalis
Annaya Marie 8.27.10 asphyxia
Jack Young 9.6.10 true know & mthfr
Adelyn Michaela 9.29.10 unknown/suspected complications of labor/breech/2-vessel cord
Otis Mason 10.8.10 incompetent cervix
Keira Grey 10.9.10 incompetent cervix
D'Artagnan James Lambertz Morrison 10.10.10 incompetent cervix
Rylan Marie Burris 10.12.10 unknown
Rebecca Lane 10.27.10 premature birth due to incompetent cervix
Aedan James (unknown) and Benjamin Michael (severe prematurity) and Nicholas Paul (severe prematurity) 11.3.10
Xavier Tanswell 11.16.10 amniotic fluid infection
Sadie 11.23.10 Turner syndrome & brain & heart defect
Andrew Joseph 11.29.10 unknown
Mitchell Lewis 12.4.10 coxsackie virus
Kaylee Ann 12.17.10 unknown
Isabella Maybre Kinard 12.26.10 unknown
Emily Elaine 12.28.10 cord restriction & factor II
EmmyLou 31.12.10 unknown/possible IUGR
Natalya Rae 1.1.11 complications from labor
Lilyan Cayla 1.6.11-1.29.11 pulmonary congestion
Azalea Daisy Anuhea Sapigao 1.9.11 IUGR
Elizabeth Anne Marie Bourquin 1.10.11 potter's syndrome
Xander Robert 1.13.11 placental abruption
Sydney Paige 1.14.11 unknown
Lars Viktor Gudmundson 1.20.11 cord accident
Steven Jr 2.4.09 low fluid, spots on liver & cord wrapped around neck
Christopher Jaiden Alacoski 2.7.11 placental abruption
Emily Rose 2.9.11 blood clots in placenta caused by prothrombin gene mutation
Alexander Michael 2.10.11 cord accident
Colleen-Mae 2.16.11 unknown
Louisa Dawn 6.2.11 IUGR
Katelyn 3.10.11 cord accident caused by compression
Colvin Remy 3.10.11 triple nuchal cord
Makayla Jones 4.7.11 brain & heart defect
Thomas Noah 4.12.11 unknown
Matthew James 4.13.11-4.15.11 multi organ failure due to potters syndrome - VATER syndrome
Holden 4.13.11 unknown
Riley Johnathan 4.26.11 hydrops
Kyle Christopher 5.3.11 unknown
Stann Justice Davis 5.15.11 possible incompetent cervix
Gideon 5.17.11 membranous cord insertion
Michael Sean Shultz 5.19.11 possible cord accident
Jazlyn Faith-Marie 5.16.11 unknown
Landyn Lewis 5.24.11 nuchal type B cord accident
Ila Claire 6.2.11
Leo 6.4.11 astrocytoma in the brain
Adalynn Braylee 6.5.11 unknown
Nicolette alice'faith 6.24.11 cord accident
Johnathon Michael 6.30.11 miscarriage
Allister Laidlaw 6.30.11 placenta failure
Hope Snider 7.23.11 PPROM
Jayden John 8.5.11
Scarlett 8.15.11 Cord abnormality
Bella Grace 9.8.11 unknown
Alanna Elizabeth 9.20.11 unknown
Jameson John 9.27.11 unknown
Leia Sky 10.6.11
Elias 10.12.11 unknown
Macy Lynn 10.17.11
Bentley Charles 10.18.11 nuchal cord around neck 3 times
Corbyn Michael Wertz 10.31.11
Lorelei Beatrice 11.5.11 severely twisted umbilical cord
Louie George 11.5.11 hydrops caused by ebstein anomally
Kayli Ann 11.29.11 possible blood clot in cord
James Peter Harrison 12.5.11 potter's syndrome
Carlie Shea 12.21.11-12.31.11 multiple organ failure due to hypoxia
Gavin Lee 1.5.12 Trisomy 18
Andrew Jeremy Marrara 1.13.12-3.26.12 SIDS
Hope Mary 1.25.12-2.1.12 brain bleed & infection
Shirley Hawkins 2.7.12 unknown
John Carpenter V. II 2.19.12 unknown
Payton Valiere 2.23.12
Eden Elizabeth 3.18.12 cord accident during labor
Tuck Leonard 4.18.12 unknown
Max Raines 4.27.12-5.4.12 congenital Heart Defect
Terra 5.17.12 underdeveloped lungs due to no amniotic fluid
Madeline Elizabeth 5.28.12 cord accident
Twin Boys 6.2.12 unknown
Kelsey Tammy-Jo Norton 6.5.12 unknown
Darcy Woodhouse/Birkett 6.12.12-7.21.12 SIDS
Emily Williams 6.12.12 Arthogryposis
Mason Douglas Cornell 6.25.12 cord prolapse
Lily Marie 7.6.12 Congenital Kidney Defects
Lucas Nathaniel 7.7.12
Naul 7.10.12 unknown
Gage Allen Boel 7.13.12
Skylar Raine 8.6.12 silent placental abruption
Annabelle Catalina 8.10.12 missing ductus venosus in umbilical cord
Barrett Luker 8.23.12 unknown
Kaelin April 8.25.12 Chorioamnionitis (inflammation due to bacterial infection)
Chayton Ty 8.29.12 placental abruption
Urijah Matthew 9.4.12-10.8.12 infection received in NICU
Isabella marie 9.6.12 unknown
Henry Stephan 9.14.12 placental abruption
Jayden and Kendyl 9.16.12 chorioamnionitis & possible incompetent cervix
Andrew Michael Ayla 9.17.12 died during labor due to rare placenta disorder no oxygen in cord
Violet Sophia 10.12.12 unknown
Paul John Lewis and William James Lewis 10.17.12 TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome)
Mary Alice Stacey 10.25.12 unknown
Sionnah Nicole Taylor 10.26.12 umbilical cord
Brynn Patience (twin b) 11.5.12-11.16.12 NEC
Kamryn Suzanne 11.8.12 unknown
Emma Lee Kahmar 11.29.12 cord occlusion to stricture/torsion
Baby Garcia December 2012 unknown
Nora Renee chronic placental abruption
Issabella Rose infection of placenta