I am a radio channel surfer. I have been for a long time. Seriously, at any given time, you could put any station on and I guarantee that within three songs, I'll know at least one. Ask my husband, I think it drives him crazy ;)
I used to listen to K-love most of the time. After Landon died, not so much. I actually haven't "surfed" over to K-love since shortly after he died. Eh, it is what it is.
This is the way that happened... when Landon died I stopped the channel on K-love, I NEEDED to hear the song we played at this funeral, Homesick by Mercy Me. I started really listening to lyrics. I heard songs about faith that I had heard a dozen times before, and had sang along with a dozen times before, I had heard them but never really heard them.
There were several songs that had lyrics I simply needed to hear, I needed them to keep going. One of the things that happens when your child dies, is that your world stops. Everything just stops, only it doesn't. It only stops for you, for everyone else, life continues on as it always was. It stops for you, everything is gray, nothing matters, your world will never be the same, everything is forever changed.
Some of the songs had lyrics that kept me moving day to day... such as What Faith Can Do by Kutless. It starts out saying "Everybody falls sometimes, you gotta find the strength to rise, from the ashes, and make a new beginning". The song goes on to talk about dreams moving mountains, hope never ending, miracles happening, silent prayers being answered, and broken hearts becoming brand new. The song ends by telling you "even if you fall sometimes, you will have the strength to rise". Songs like this and others were perfect for me, they were just what I needed to hear each and every day, they kept me going.
Then one day...
I heard this song that said "God loves a lullaby, in a mother's tears in the dead of night, better than a hallelujah sometimes..."
What? Seriously? "God loves a drunkards cry, the soldier's plea not to let him die, better than a hallelujah sometimes..."
I was shocked. This was NOT what I needed to hear, not even close to what I needed to hear! I mean, really? I spent my nights crying myself to sleep. During the day, you can keep busy, but at night, all you have are your thoughts. They bombard you. The baby. The doctor shaking her head. The doctor saying there's no sign of blood flow to the heart. The doctor telling you "I'm sorry". The thoughts hit you and hit you and hit you and you can't make them go away and you can't shut them off and the events surrounding the death of your child replay over and over and no matter how hard you try, you fall asleep in tears every single night. The night time is the worst.
Now I'm hearing this song saying that God loves a lullaby in my tears in the dead of night? Why would God love my tears in the dead of night? Why would God love my tears for my son? Why would God love my tears for my dead son? Why? Why? Wouldn't a hallelujah be so much better than my tears? Why?
I heard the song again, tears started flowing, I changed the station, I took it off my presets and I never went back. Eventually I forgot about the station and I moved forward in my grief and I forgot about that song.
Recently, I surfed back to K-love.
I've been listening for two to three weeks. Hearing songs I remember that I loved. Hearing songs that I needed, once again, to hear. I was amazed to get in my husband's car and find that he too had surfed back to K-love.
The other day, I was listening and a song that I had forgotten about came on the radio... "God loves a lullaby, in a mother's tears in the dead of night, better than a hallelujah sometimes. God loves a drunkard's cry, the soldier's plea not to let him die, better than a hallelujah sometimes..." the tears started flowing. Rather than change the station, I listened. "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody, beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts, are better than a hallelujah." Really? I just don't get it. How can God hear a melody when we're in pain, when we're suffering, how can that be? Still, I continued listening. "The woman holding on for life, the dying man giving up the fight, are better than a hallelujah sometimes. The tears of shame for what's been done, the silence when the words won't come, are better than a hallelujah sometimes." And I'm in tears and the song goes on, "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody, beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts, are better than a hallelujah. Better than a church bell ringing, Better than a choir singing out, singing out." My thoughts are jumbled I'm confused, how, how are all these miseries better, how are they better than a hallelujah, how? How? How? And the song continues, "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody, Beautiful the mess we are, The honest cries of breaking hearts, Are better than a Hallelujah". And all at once, I get it. I get it. My tears themselves are not better than a hallelujah, my crying to God is better than a hallelujah. I get it, because it's really easy to praise God when things are going your way. It's really easy to praise God when your life is not in turmoil. It's when you're at your low, when you're thinking there's just nothing left, when you have run out of hope, when you have no more will, when you are done, when you are at your end, and you reach out to God... that's what's better than a hallelujah. Asking God for help, praising Him when you feel like you have nothing, it's like music to his ears. It's you saying, I'm still here God, I'm still waiting, I still believe... It's easy to praise God when everything is going right, it's another whole ball game to praise God when everything is going wrong. And the song finishes, "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody, Beautiful the mess we are, The honest cries of breaking hearts, Are better than a Hallelujah." The honest cries, that's what better, it's not the breaking hearts, it's the honest cries, I get it, at least I feel like I get it.
"Better than a Hallelujah sometimes...
Better than a Hallelujah."
I've been listening to K-love again. I've been listening now for a couple of weeks. I feel ok. I will never be "as good as I was" but I can be "ok" and for right now, I'm ok.
Better Than a Hallelujah on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOHJghBU0XA
