December 17, 2012: Brothers

I decided that writing about Landon and my feelings is something that I needed to do. I feel that it is something that I need to continue.

When I started the 31 days of grief project, I decided to "make it my own". You were simply asked to photograph the topics and post, I decided to start a blog and write about how I felt about the particular topic.

At the beginning, I was emotionally and mentally stuck (for lack of a better word). I had been in counseling for months trying to help me deal with a fear that stemmed from losing Landon. My fear? Losing Jaxon.
I had already buried one son, there is no way in hell I could live through burying another son, I just couldn't. Since before Jaxon was born, I've been dealing with an intense overwhelming fear of his death. I couldn't get his nursery ready because he was probably going to die anyway, just like Landon. I couldn't get his things out and washed and put in place because he was probably going to die, just like Landon, then I'd have to face putting things away unused... again, just like with Landon. I couldn't even think about his birth and coming home because I knew he was probably going to die and we'd be planning a funeral again, just like Landon.
I didn't think about bringing him home, I thought about his burial. I figured that we would have to buy a new cemetery plot because there is no more room by Landon. I knew we would have to buy a new plot to have him buried and then move his brother so they could be next to each other. Can you imagine? A new mother-to-be thinking about cemetery plots, just in case? It was crazy, but I thought about it all the time.

Then Jaxon was born, and he didn't die. I heard him cry; I saw his eyes. I held him and I never wanted to let him go. I tried every day to remember every single little detail about him, every thing he did, every noise he made, every move he made... just in case, because if he died, I needed to be able to remember. The first time he laughed, I tried desperately to commit that to memory, not because it was his first laugh, rather I did it just in case I never heard him laugh again. The first time he rolled over, the next time he laughed, the first time he babbled, the next time he rolled over, the first time he sat up, the next time he babbled... every single thing he did I needed to remember, just in case it was the last time he ever did it.

Then it got worse, instead of worrying constantly about Jaxon dying, I started seeing bad things happening to him. I would hold his hand and he would wrap his fingers around my finger and I would see someone break all his little fingers. I would dress him and I would see someone snap his precious little legs. Every time I touched him I would see someone hurting him.

Then it got worse, instead of worrying about him dying, instead of "seeing" him hurt, I started seeing his death. I would be driving to his pediatrician and see the truck fly off the bridge and I couldn't get him out and he would drown. He would be sleeping and I would see him limp from having passed in his sleep. Every time I did anything or went anywhere, I would see it turning around to him dying.

I've taken literally thousands and thousands of pictures of Jaxon. He would move and I'd take a picture, just in case I never was able to take another picture. Thoughts of Jaxon dying were consuming my mind all the time. I couldn't make them go away, I didn't know how, that's what I had decided to seek help for... I didn't want to be sitting with my 5 year old and regret spending his baby and toddler years scared and worried when I should have been enjoying having a baby and a toddler.

Then I found and started the 31 days of grief project. Within days of starting, something was different. I can't explain what exactly, but I can say that I started seeing Jaxon differently. It was like I could see HIM. JAXON was there. JAXON was living. Jaxon wasn't dead and I could see that. A few more days and I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I thought he would get hurt, I couldn't remember the last time I thought he would die. I don't know how it happened so fast, but I'm thankful that it did. Maybe it was the actual writing. Maybe my mind needed me to take a little time each day, a little time each week, just a little time here and there to devote to Landon and how I feel about his life and his death. Maybe I felt guilty that I couldn't help Landon survive, that I couldn't take care of him like a mother is supposed to do, that I couldn't keep him safe. Maybe I felt guilty that I was trying to do these things for Jaxon when I couldn't do them for Landon. I don't know.

What I do know is that Jaxon is my son, just like Landon, but unlike Landon, Jaxon is living and I am finally, finally able to begin embracing his life and it feels great. Landon and Jaxon are both my sons, they are brothers and I love them.
For today, I decided to create a picture with both of my boys. I used a picture of Landon from shortly after his birth and I used a picture of Jaxon from shortly after his birth.
Landon Paul and Jaxon Paul, my sweet sons.

Day 31: Sunset

This journey through grief has been one that has helped my struggle tremendously. When I started this journey, I had no idea just how much it would heal me. I'm not sure where exactly the healing came from, but I am 100% positive that this has helped. I'm in a much different place emotionally today then I was before I began this project. This project was created by Carly Marie to help raise awareness during national Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. The intention was to create awareness each of the 31 days of October. I had initially planned to keep up with this project daily, I did not plan for the healing that it would give me, and I had to take that slow. It was something that I knew I couldn't rush through. It has taken me 2 and a half months to finish this one month project and that's ok. It's kind of like the journey through grief, you never know what obstacles you will over come, what set backs you may have, you never really know anything, but in the end, it's ok.

I feel like this sunset picture may really represent the sun setting on my grief. My grief will never be gone, I am the mother of a child that no one can see, a child that no one knows, a child that lived solely inside of me. My grief will always be there, but it's a much different grief now then it was a couple years ago. I feel that this sunset picture is a perfect showing of changing in my grief. I love my son, I wish things were different, I wish he was here, I cannot change any of these things, but I can start to live again... I think Landon would have wanted that.
Landon, you will always be my first born...
I will miss you forever...
I will love you for always...

Landon Paul Rodgers, my son, 3.26.10-3.26.10

Day 30: Your Grief, Tell the World

My son died. I can say that now. My struggle with grief has been long and hard, as I'm sure any other baby loss mom would say.

My road of grief is one that I cannot turn away from, but I've chosen to stop when I needed to stop and continue on when I needed to continue. Sometimes I've been travelling on my road with blinders on, and that's ok. I've gone through "the fog" and I've come out the other side. I've gone through the valley of lows and I've come out the other side. Many times along the way I've simply chosen to pretend that my road is not one of a grieving mother, and that's ok too.
For me, there have been many times that I've needed to pretend that it didn't happen to me. When I've come out of those periods of time, I have always felt a little worse for momentarily "forgetting" but I know that it's ok. I think that sometimes, we just can't handle things so we need to push them aside for a little bit. Then when we can better handle things, we'll come back and "deal" again. At least, that's how my road has been. I've been sad when thinking about Landon, I've pretended like it didn't happen to me, and sometimes I can now smile when thinking about my son.
Not every baby loss mom will follow the same road as I follow; we each travel the road of grief, but each road is our own and while we can help each other along the way, we must each travel our own road all by ourselves. We must choose to continue moving or get sucked in by the valleys. Our friends can try to help us, but it's our choice. I'd bet most of us wish we could just jump to the end and "be ok again" but that's not how it works... we have to travel our road, we have to experience our grief.

Day 30 is Your Grief - Tell the World. I'm going to continue this blog "exploring" different topics along the way, this is how I'm going to "tell the world". It is such a healing experience for me and I can't see just stopping. I need to carry this along my road with me. My grief exists solely because of the death of my son. My grief is my reality. I've chosen a picture of my son's head stone, I think that says it all.

Day 29: Music

When I think of Landon and music, several songs come to mind. I know there are many more that remind me of my son, but these are the few that pop into my head every single time.

I think of Total Eclipse of the Heart...
Once upon a time I was falling in love,
Now I'm only falling apart

I think of I don't want to miss a thing...
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

I think of How Come the World Won't Stop...
Somebody told me
you were not coming home
the words are spinning in time
and the air suddenly went cold...
How come the world won't stop spinning
now that you're gone
I know every end has beginnings
but this one's all wrong
so wrong

Every time I think of music, the first song that I think of is called Homesick by Mercy Me. Homesick is the song that we had played at Landon's funeral. I think specifically of several lines but I've decided to post the entire lyircs...

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Day 29 is music. Pretty much any music that invokes a feeling of "I miss you" makes me think of Landon. I chose a picture that I took during the winter. I wrote a simple message to my son in the snow.
I love you Landon, and I still miss you.

Day 28: Memory

Memories. When you think of growing older and having kids, you never imagine that one of the worst memories in your life may involve your baby. The worst memories of my life are so close to the best memories of my life thus far, pregnancy and child birth.

I'm going to focus on the good memories. I'm smiling as I remember Landon kick... I remember how he used to jam his little foot straight up into my ribs... I remember hearing his heartbeat at the doctor office... I remember seeing him moving on the ultrasound screen...

The good memories I have of Landon are pregnancy memories. Day 28 is memory. I chose the last happy memory of Landon's little life. This pregnancy picture was taken the night before Landon died. I was 35 weeks pregnant and I was happy, the next day, my life would change forever.

Day 27: Artwork

My son died as a baby, I never got happy little hand print poems, I never got cute toddler crayon scribbles, I have no artwork from him. I have many pieces of "artwork" that I have done for him. I have hundreds of digital scrap pages of his photos and of his name. I've scraped the name "Landon" more ways than I could have ever imagined and although I no longer do this, I still see different ways daily to scrap his name.

Day 27 is artwork. Since I have no artwork from my son, I have chosen to share a piece of "art" that I have created myself. One day I was taking pictures of my rainbow Jaxon with my Molly Bear Landon. I took probably a hundred slightly different photos, I'm slightly addicted to the camera! I saw this photo of their feet and remembered a saying I once saw. I googled until I found the saying and put it to the photo. I think it pretty much says it all.

Day 26: Their Age

Landon should be a rambunctious 2 and a half year old. He should be showing a personality that is all "Landon". He should be running around and playing. He should be having fun with his little brother. He should be here. He should be 2 and a half.

Day 26 is baby's age. It was meant to show the age of your baby when they passed away. When I think of Landon running around in Heaven, I do not think of a newborn baby, I think of a 2 and a half year old little boy. For this reason, I chose to use a picture of Landon's last birthday balloon showing his age, 2.

Day 25: Baby Shower

The baby shower is such a special thing. Women that love and care for you and your child attend and shower your soon-to-be newborn with gifts. It's a time for celebrating and it's so much fun.

Landon's baby shower was happy and perfect. We got so many of the items we needed and so many super cute things from friends and family.
Sometimes happy and perfect times precede sad times... Landon died less than 2 weeks after his baby shower.
Landon's bassinet was packed away, unused.
Landon's bottles were packed away, unused.
Landon's clothes were packed away, unused.
Landon's crib was disassembled and packed away, unused.
My sweet Landon would never get to use any of those things. Landon was snuggled in his "coming home" outfit, a cute blue sleeper with dogs and a matching hat. He was tucked in hand crocheted blankets with one square crocheted long before he was ever born by his great-great-grandma. He was lovingly placed in a tiny white casket that mommy and daddy sealed with a kiss...

This picture from our happy times, from our baby shower is one of the last pictures of near innocence. Landon was our miracle baby conceived after years of struggling with infertility and miscarriages. Our baby shower cake said "miracle baby" and "hope".

Day 24: Siblings

When I think of siblings, I think of children growing up together. I think of them playing tag and hide n seek. I think of them riding bikes together. I think of the joy of their faces on Christmas morning as they realize Santa has visited. I think of children growing up and having their own families and coming together for holidays, for special occasions, and just because they can.

My son will never have any of these things with his big brother and that makes me sad. He will never play with his big brother, he will never fight with his big brother, he will never have his big brother.

As a baby loss mom, I need to decide how to handle this. Jaxon will know he has a big brother and he will know Landon is in heaven. I have pictures of Landon hanging on the wall and Jaxon will know that this is his big brother. I do not yet know how I will handle the questions that are sure to come, I guess I'll cross that bridge when it gets here.

Day 24 is siblings, as of right now, Landon has one little brother, Jaxon. Hopefully we will add to our family, but if we are not that blessed, we will be forever blessed that we have Jaxon. Here is a recent picture of Jaxon.

Day 23: Their name and photo

Landon Paul Rodgers. My sons name is Landon Paul Rodgers, I love his name.

People tend to shy away from saying the name of my child. Not me, I love his name. I say it whenever I want. He is my son and his name is Landon. His name was chosen because we loved it. Even though Landon is no longer here with me, I still love to hear his name.

In my experience with other baby loss moms, I've found that I am one of the lucky ones. I have photos of my son, many do not. Day 23 is baby's name or baby's photo, I am blessed to be able to share both. When Landon died, I started digital scrapbooking. I scraped his photos and his name over and over again. I've chosen to share one of those scrap pages. The black and white of the flower is actually one of the flowers from Landon's funeral and of course there's my beautiful son. I miss him.

Day 22: Place of Birth

Here's the facts... Landon was born at Bay Medical Center in Bay City Michigan. He was born Friday, March 26, 2010 at 7:57 pm EST.

The nurses at Bay Med were absolutely wonderful.
I remember Nurse Lynette. She was the nurse that discovered Landon did not have a heartbeat. She is involved in the baby loss support group called Precious Reflections, how ironic that she is the first nurse I had. Lynette was also my nurse later in the week. She said when she came back after her days off she saw my name on the board and requested to be my nurse, Lynette is special.
I remember Nurse Ellen. Ellen spent hours with Paul and myself. She was the nurse to prepare us for, well, what to expect when you're about to deliver a baby who has passed away. She took great care of us and she took great care of Landon after he was born. She went above and beyond the scope of her job duties, she helped us contact the funeral home, something that first time parents should never have to think about. She encouraged us to spend as much time as we needed with our son. We are forever grateful for her kindness.
I remember Nurse Heidi. She spent the worst hours with me. She was my nurse during the tough labor hours. She held my hand through the physical and mental pain. Even though I know she had other patients, she treated me like I was the only patient she had. I am so thankful for her.
I remember Nurse Danette and Nurse Tammy. They were the nurses that were actually present for Landon's delivery. They were extra gentle with me and with Landon. I appreciate everything they did for us.
I had several other nurses during my 8 day stay and each nurse I had was kind and gentle. I am thankful that the nurses at Bay Med treated me with such great care.

For day 22 I decided to use a picture of my delivering nurses with Landon. This is Nurse Tammy, Nurse Danette, and Landon.

Day 21: Sacred Space

I don't really have what I would call a sacred space for Landon. What I do have is several spaces that are special for Landon. I think I'll talk about what will hopefully be a sacred space for Landon.

On day 9 I talked about what will be Landon's Garden. This was the very first idea we came up with together. Daddy found the memorial tree and ordered it. It came with a special memorial plaque engraved with his name. When the tree was delivered, we chose the perfect place to plant it and we talked about creating a memorial garden around his tree. We took the tree out and realized just how small it was; we feared it would not last the hot summer or the cold winter.

Landon's tree has survived 3 hot and dry summers and is about to enter its 3rd cold and snowy winter. The garden is not yet done, as of now, we have Landon's tree and his memorial plaque and a beautiful idea.

Day 20: Charity/Organization

So it appears that maybe I should have looked ahead! If you remember, on day 12 I wrote about Molly Bears because I had no scents to write about.

Well, day 20 is charity/organization! Guess what, I feel that Molly Bears is worth writing about again.
You can visit www.mollybears.com to read all about this wonderful non profit organization. My fellow baby loss mom and friend Bridget and her family has created this amazing organization in memory of her daughter Molly. They make weighted teddy bears to fill empty arms all over the world. They ensure that each teddy bear, each Molly Bear weighs the same as each precious baby. This is amazing because you have something to hold that weighs exactly what your precious baby weighed. It feels wonderful to be able to hold your the weight of your baby at night when your arms feel the most empty.

Molly Bears works off donations and if you are able, I ask that you make a donation in memory of Landon. Each little bit helps.

Since I already included a picture of my Molly Bear Landon, for Day 20 I decided to use a picture of my Landon Bear on a day out! We visited a pumpkin farm with our rainbow baby Jaxon and we took his brother bear along. I decided to include our Molly Bear Landon in a picture with Jaxon and I think it's simply adorable!

Day 19: Project

After years and years of waiting, you're finally pregnant and you're finally having a child of your very own. You've had the baby shower; the nursery is complete; everything has been cleaned; the house is all set; you're ready to welcome your new baby home. You can't wait to experience what you've dreamed of for years, leaving the hospital with your newborn baby.

Sometimes dreams turn into nightmares.

Sometimes nightmares turn into reality.

You've gone to the doctor and they decided you would be delivered that evening or the next morning. You call your husband at work and tell him you're being sent to the hospital and the baby is coming that night or the next morning, you're exited, your moment is finally here, you're finally getting everything you've ever dreamed of, you're finally having a baby.

You get to the hospital and finally get into a room. The nurse gets the monitors for contractions and for the baby's heart rate. Your husband comes into the room, you are amazed that he got there so fast! The nurse turns on the monitor and places it on your baby bump. She moves it around and around and around, she can't find the baby. It's no concern because they had just found the baby at the doctor office, your little one must have moved. The nurse goes to get an ultrasound machine so she can see exactly where the baby is.

Your dream is about to turn into a nightmare that is about to become your reality.

You look at the ultrasound image as the nurse brings the baby into focus and because you've had enough ultrasounds you are acutely aware that there is something wrong, you notice that there is no movement.

Your dream has become your nightmare, your baby has no heartbeat. The world around you becomes a flurry of doctors and nurses that all meld into each other as your mind tries to comprehend what you've been told. Things are happening around you but you can no longer focus on anything.

Your nightmare becomes reality as you're prepared to deliver your child, your child who will not cry, your child who will not take a breath, your child who has passed away.

You will not leave this hospital with your sweet newborn baby, the guy from the funeral home will leave with your child. You will leave this hospital with a broken heart and empty arms.

Day 19 is project. I left the hospital with nothing except a broken heart. For Landon's first birthday, I made several "goodie bags" for moms just like me, moms leaving the hospital without their baby. I hand crocheted a hat for the baby and I crocheted a very small duplicate for mom to keep. I made little bags for a lock of the baby's hair and I included a small pair of scissors to be used for mom to keep. I asked friends to donate cameras and I included a disposable camera with a list of pictures to remember. A baby loss organization called S.O.B.B.S (stories of babies born still) donated bracelets that said "Mom of an Angel" that I included as well. I knew that another mom would be going home with a broken heart but I was hoping that I could help, just a little, with the empty arms. For Day 19, I chose a picture of some of the bags I donated in memory of my son.

Day 18: Family Portrait

Family portrait, this may be the hardest thing to write about. A family portrait. A portrait that includes each member of your family. What do you do when one member of your family cannot be there? You reschedule, that's easy. But, what do you do when one member of your family will never be able to be there?

The baby loss mom will never feel that her family portrait is complete, there will forever be someone missing. Some moms will hold a picture of their child in their family portrait. Some moms will have a special "something" that is included that represents their child. Either way, there's still a family member missing, it will never be complete, it will never be "just right".

Day 18 is family portrait. My family portrait will never be complete, there will forever be a child missing. The extent of the emptiness in mommy's heart when looking at a family portrait can never fully be explained or understood unless you are a baby loss mom. For my day 18 photo, I decided to express the emptiness as best I could. This is our family picture, I've "altered" it to show what a baby loss mom sees, what she feels, what a baby loss mom knows... a family portrait is empty when you don't have all of your children.

Day 17: Birthday

After a loved one passes away, do you continue to celebrate their birthday? If you're a baby loss mom, then your answer is, most likely, yes.

To some, this may seem a strange concept. To a baby loss mom, it's not even a choice, you just do it. You celebrate the birth of your children, it doesn't matter if they're no longer here, they're still your children.

To celebrate Landon's birthday, each year we've done the same thing. We order balloons and hold a small balloon release at the cemetery. After the balloon release, we have a little meal at our house which includes a birthday cake. Birthday celebrations are supposed to be happy. It's different to ask others to participate in a birthday celebration for a child that is no longer here, but that's all that we have. This is the one thing that we do each year that we ask others to participate in with us. We appreciate each person that is able to celebrate the short life of our child with us and we appreciate those that are thinking of us and are unable to make it.

Day 17 is birthday. I've chosen a picture of Landon's first birthday cake. It's plain but it's perfect.

Day 16: Release

Participating in a release after the death of a loved one is a great way to help "let go" of a little piece of grief. Releasing balloons with your baby's name or with a note to your baby with the hopes that your child will be able to see the balloons from heaven helps you feel a little closer to your baby.

Every year for Landon's birthday, we've had a small balloon release at the cemetery. We get several balloons and markers and anyone that would like to come is invited. We let our friends and family write a little note on their balloon and we say "Happy Birthday" to our sweet Landon and release our balloons. It's not a spectacular event by any means, it's small, it's quick, but it's ours. It's our way of remembering that Landon was here, he is remembered, and he is loved.

This past year, we participated in a big balloon release for our community. We wrote Landon's name on his balloon and we each wrote a small note to him. We let his balloon fly with hundreds of balloons each representing a little life lost way too soon; it was beautiful, it was bittersweet.

We participated in a release of rose petals into the river earlier this year. I loved the releasing of the rose petals. It was entirely different from balloons yet it held the same small release of grief.

Day 16 is release. I have pictures of each balloon release we've done and I have pictures of the rose petals floating on the river. The picture I chose for today is of the first release of balloons at the cemetery, it was Landon's first birthday. I absolutely love the way the sun shines in this picture. It appears, to me, that the rays are about to accept the balloons. If you look closely, you can see rays of sunshine throughout the entire picture, it's like all the little angels were present for Landon's balloon release and I love it.