Day 21: Sacred Space

I don't really have what I would call a sacred space for Landon. What I do have is several spaces that are special for Landon. I think I'll talk about what will hopefully be a sacred space for Landon.

On day 9 I talked about what will be Landon's Garden. This was the very first idea we came up with together. Daddy found the memorial tree and ordered it. It came with a special memorial plaque engraved with his name. When the tree was delivered, we chose the perfect place to plant it and we talked about creating a memorial garden around his tree. We took the tree out and realized just how small it was; we feared it would not last the hot summer or the cold winter.

Landon's tree has survived 3 hot and dry summers and is about to enter its 3rd cold and snowy winter. The garden is not yet done, as of now, we have Landon's tree and his memorial plaque and a beautiful idea.

Day 20: Charity/Organization

So it appears that maybe I should have looked ahead! If you remember, on day 12 I wrote about Molly Bears because I had no scents to write about.

Well, day 20 is charity/organization! Guess what, I feel that Molly Bears is worth writing about again.
You can visit www.mollybears.com to read all about this wonderful non profit organization. My fellow baby loss mom and friend Bridget and her family has created this amazing organization in memory of her daughter Molly. They make weighted teddy bears to fill empty arms all over the world. They ensure that each teddy bear, each Molly Bear weighs the same as each precious baby. This is amazing because you have something to hold that weighs exactly what your precious baby weighed. It feels wonderful to be able to hold your the weight of your baby at night when your arms feel the most empty.

Molly Bears works off donations and if you are able, I ask that you make a donation in memory of Landon. Each little bit helps.

Since I already included a picture of my Molly Bear Landon, for Day 20 I decided to use a picture of my Landon Bear on a day out! We visited a pumpkin farm with our rainbow baby Jaxon and we took his brother bear along. I decided to include our Molly Bear Landon in a picture with Jaxon and I think it's simply adorable!

Day 19: Project

After years and years of waiting, you're finally pregnant and you're finally having a child of your very own. You've had the baby shower; the nursery is complete; everything has been cleaned; the house is all set; you're ready to welcome your new baby home. You can't wait to experience what you've dreamed of for years, leaving the hospital with your newborn baby.

Sometimes dreams turn into nightmares.

Sometimes nightmares turn into reality.

You've gone to the doctor and they decided you would be delivered that evening or the next morning. You call your husband at work and tell him you're being sent to the hospital and the baby is coming that night or the next morning, you're exited, your moment is finally here, you're finally getting everything you've ever dreamed of, you're finally having a baby.

You get to the hospital and finally get into a room. The nurse gets the monitors for contractions and for the baby's heart rate. Your husband comes into the room, you are amazed that he got there so fast! The nurse turns on the monitor and places it on your baby bump. She moves it around and around and around, she can't find the baby. It's no concern because they had just found the baby at the doctor office, your little one must have moved. The nurse goes to get an ultrasound machine so she can see exactly where the baby is.

Your dream is about to turn into a nightmare that is about to become your reality.

You look at the ultrasound image as the nurse brings the baby into focus and because you've had enough ultrasounds you are acutely aware that there is something wrong, you notice that there is no movement.

Your dream has become your nightmare, your baby has no heartbeat. The world around you becomes a flurry of doctors and nurses that all meld into each other as your mind tries to comprehend what you've been told. Things are happening around you but you can no longer focus on anything.

Your nightmare becomes reality as you're prepared to deliver your child, your child who will not cry, your child who will not take a breath, your child who has passed away.

You will not leave this hospital with your sweet newborn baby, the guy from the funeral home will leave with your child. You will leave this hospital with a broken heart and empty arms.

Day 19 is project. I left the hospital with nothing except a broken heart. For Landon's first birthday, I made several "goodie bags" for moms just like me, moms leaving the hospital without their baby. I hand crocheted a hat for the baby and I crocheted a very small duplicate for mom to keep. I made little bags for a lock of the baby's hair and I included a small pair of scissors to be used for mom to keep. I asked friends to donate cameras and I included a disposable camera with a list of pictures to remember. A baby loss organization called S.O.B.B.S (stories of babies born still) donated bracelets that said "Mom of an Angel" that I included as well. I knew that another mom would be going home with a broken heart but I was hoping that I could help, just a little, with the empty arms. For Day 19, I chose a picture of some of the bags I donated in memory of my son.

Day 18: Family Portrait

Family portrait, this may be the hardest thing to write about. A family portrait. A portrait that includes each member of your family. What do you do when one member of your family cannot be there? You reschedule, that's easy. But, what do you do when one member of your family will never be able to be there?

The baby loss mom will never feel that her family portrait is complete, there will forever be someone missing. Some moms will hold a picture of their child in their family portrait. Some moms will have a special "something" that is included that represents their child. Either way, there's still a family member missing, it will never be complete, it will never be "just right".

Day 18 is family portrait. My family portrait will never be complete, there will forever be a child missing. The extent of the emptiness in mommy's heart when looking at a family portrait can never fully be explained or understood unless you are a baby loss mom. For my day 18 photo, I decided to express the emptiness as best I could. This is our family picture, I've "altered" it to show what a baby loss mom sees, what she feels, what a baby loss mom knows... a family portrait is empty when you don't have all of your children.

Day 17: Birthday

After a loved one passes away, do you continue to celebrate their birthday? If you're a baby loss mom, then your answer is, most likely, yes.

To some, this may seem a strange concept. To a baby loss mom, it's not even a choice, you just do it. You celebrate the birth of your children, it doesn't matter if they're no longer here, they're still your children.

To celebrate Landon's birthday, each year we've done the same thing. We order balloons and hold a small balloon release at the cemetery. After the balloon release, we have a little meal at our house which includes a birthday cake. Birthday celebrations are supposed to be happy. It's different to ask others to participate in a birthday celebration for a child that is no longer here, but that's all that we have. This is the one thing that we do each year that we ask others to participate in with us. We appreciate each person that is able to celebrate the short life of our child with us and we appreciate those that are thinking of us and are unable to make it.

Day 17 is birthday. I've chosen a picture of Landon's first birthday cake. It's plain but it's perfect.

Day 16: Release

Participating in a release after the death of a loved one is a great way to help "let go" of a little piece of grief. Releasing balloons with your baby's name or with a note to your baby with the hopes that your child will be able to see the balloons from heaven helps you feel a little closer to your baby.

Every year for Landon's birthday, we've had a small balloon release at the cemetery. We get several balloons and markers and anyone that would like to come is invited. We let our friends and family write a little note on their balloon and we say "Happy Birthday" to our sweet Landon and release our balloons. It's not a spectacular event by any means, it's small, it's quick, but it's ours. It's our way of remembering that Landon was here, he is remembered, and he is loved.

This past year, we participated in a big balloon release for our community. We wrote Landon's name on his balloon and we each wrote a small note to him. We let his balloon fly with hundreds of balloons each representing a little life lost way too soon; it was beautiful, it was bittersweet.

We participated in a release of rose petals into the river earlier this year. I loved the releasing of the rose petals. It was entirely different from balloons yet it held the same small release of grief.

Day 16 is release. I have pictures of each balloon release we've done and I have pictures of the rose petals floating on the river. The picture I chose for today is of the first release of balloons at the cemetery, it was Landon's first birthday. I absolutely love the way the sun shines in this picture. It appears, to me, that the rays are about to accept the balloons. If you look closely, you can see rays of sunshine throughout the entire picture, it's like all the little angels were present for Landon's balloon release and I love it.

Day 15: Wave of Light

October is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. The 15th is set aside for a day of remembrance. A day to remember all of our babies taken way too soon.

The baby loss community comes together across the world to create a wave of light on this day each year... a wave for our babies. At 7:00 pm, in your respective time zone, you are asked to simply light a candle and let it burn for one hour... that's it. This one hour creates a wave of light, from time zone to time zone, around the world.

Day 15 is supposed to be a photo of the wave of light. My photo didn't come out that great, so I asked a dear friend if I could use hers, she said yes, let me tell you about my friend.
Late in 2009, I joined an online group called April 2010 Expecting Club, we were all pregnant with babies that were due in April 2010. There were over 100 women that came together to enjoy our pregnancies. We complained about morning sickness together, cried about hormones together, found out "boy/girl/surprise" together, we were there for each other, and soon enough we started sharing our birth stories together, we were there for each other. I had no idea that I would go through so much with these women.
In January we prayed together when our first "Dew Drop" was born so early, in February we cried together when one of our "Dew Drops" lost his daddy before he was even born, in March we cried together as two of our "Dew Drops" passed away.
One of these women and I had no idea just how much we would go through together. Sabrina's baby girl was due 2 weeks before my surprise was due. On March 25, 2010 I woke up sick and would spend the next 24 hours going through the worst experience in my life as I learned I had sudden severe preeclampsia and would have my baby that evening. Except, my baby didn't make it to that evening, I was sick, my baby died, I still had to give birth, and I hadn't even been able to tell my friends yet.
When I was able, I got on my computer and typed out my birth story "Landon's birth story - RIP baby". I wrote the story out in notepad because I didn't want to see the happy birth stories, I didn't want to be reminded of such joy when mine had been ripped from me. When I finally logged on to let my friends know that Landon was born and had passed away, there was a new birth story that had just been posted, my friend Sabrina had given birth to her sweet baby girl on March 25, her birth story "RIP princess Kylee"... our babies came together and our babies left together.
Landon and Kylee, an angel's bff. We had both given birth, two mommas with new babies, two babies that never took one breath, two mommas with broken hearts, crushed dreams, two mommas lost.
Sabrina and I fell into the baby loss hole together and we've been climbing out together for the past two and a half years. We feel our babies are best friends in heaven.
Sabrina has a special pink candle for Kylee and a blue candle for Landon. Each year she lights these candles for their birthdays and for the wave of light. This year, she set up a wonderful candle display for the wave of light, Kylee's candle, Landon's candle, and several other candles, and if I'm not mistaken, that little teddy bear in the middle holds Kylee.
I love you Sabrina, I know that Kylee and Landon are together, and even if we are never able to get together on this side, I'm sure they'll bring us together on the flip side! <3