Day 28: Memory

Memories. When you think of growing older and having kids, you never imagine that one of the worst memories in your life may involve your baby. The worst memories of my life are so close to the best memories of my life thus far, pregnancy and child birth.

I'm going to focus on the good memories. I'm smiling as I remember Landon kick... I remember how he used to jam his little foot straight up into my ribs... I remember hearing his heartbeat at the doctor office... I remember seeing him moving on the ultrasound screen...

The good memories I have of Landon are pregnancy memories. Day 28 is memory. I chose the last happy memory of Landon's little life. This pregnancy picture was taken the night before Landon died. I was 35 weeks pregnant and I was happy, the next day, my life would change forever.

Day 27: Artwork

My son died as a baby, I never got happy little hand print poems, I never got cute toddler crayon scribbles, I have no artwork from him. I have many pieces of "artwork" that I have done for him. I have hundreds of digital scrap pages of his photos and of his name. I've scraped the name "Landon" more ways than I could have ever imagined and although I no longer do this, I still see different ways daily to scrap his name.

Day 27 is artwork. Since I have no artwork from my son, I have chosen to share a piece of "art" that I have created myself. One day I was taking pictures of my rainbow Jaxon with my Molly Bear Landon. I took probably a hundred slightly different photos, I'm slightly addicted to the camera! I saw this photo of their feet and remembered a saying I once saw. I googled until I found the saying and put it to the photo. I think it pretty much says it all.

Day 26: Their Age

Landon should be a rambunctious 2 and a half year old. He should be showing a personality that is all "Landon". He should be running around and playing. He should be having fun with his little brother. He should be here. He should be 2 and a half.

Day 26 is baby's age. It was meant to show the age of your baby when they passed away. When I think of Landon running around in Heaven, I do not think of a newborn baby, I think of a 2 and a half year old little boy. For this reason, I chose to use a picture of Landon's last birthday balloon showing his age, 2.

Day 25: Baby Shower

The baby shower is such a special thing. Women that love and care for you and your child attend and shower your soon-to-be newborn with gifts. It's a time for celebrating and it's so much fun.

Landon's baby shower was happy and perfect. We got so many of the items we needed and so many super cute things from friends and family.
Sometimes happy and perfect times precede sad times... Landon died less than 2 weeks after his baby shower.
Landon's bassinet was packed away, unused.
Landon's bottles were packed away, unused.
Landon's clothes were packed away, unused.
Landon's crib was disassembled and packed away, unused.
My sweet Landon would never get to use any of those things. Landon was snuggled in his "coming home" outfit, a cute blue sleeper with dogs and a matching hat. He was tucked in hand crocheted blankets with one square crocheted long before he was ever born by his great-great-grandma. He was lovingly placed in a tiny white casket that mommy and daddy sealed with a kiss...

This picture from our happy times, from our baby shower is one of the last pictures of near innocence. Landon was our miracle baby conceived after years of struggling with infertility and miscarriages. Our baby shower cake said "miracle baby" and "hope".

Day 24: Siblings

When I think of siblings, I think of children growing up together. I think of them playing tag and hide n seek. I think of them riding bikes together. I think of the joy of their faces on Christmas morning as they realize Santa has visited. I think of children growing up and having their own families and coming together for holidays, for special occasions, and just because they can.

My son will never have any of these things with his big brother and that makes me sad. He will never play with his big brother, he will never fight with his big brother, he will never have his big brother.

As a baby loss mom, I need to decide how to handle this. Jaxon will know he has a big brother and he will know Landon is in heaven. I have pictures of Landon hanging on the wall and Jaxon will know that this is his big brother. I do not yet know how I will handle the questions that are sure to come, I guess I'll cross that bridge when it gets here.

Day 24 is siblings, as of right now, Landon has one little brother, Jaxon. Hopefully we will add to our family, but if we are not that blessed, we will be forever blessed that we have Jaxon. Here is a recent picture of Jaxon.

Day 23: Their name and photo

Landon Paul Rodgers. My sons name is Landon Paul Rodgers, I love his name.

People tend to shy away from saying the name of my child. Not me, I love his name. I say it whenever I want. He is my son and his name is Landon. His name was chosen because we loved it. Even though Landon is no longer here with me, I still love to hear his name.

In my experience with other baby loss moms, I've found that I am one of the lucky ones. I have photos of my son, many do not. Day 23 is baby's name or baby's photo, I am blessed to be able to share both. When Landon died, I started digital scrapbooking. I scraped his photos and his name over and over again. I've chosen to share one of those scrap pages. The black and white of the flower is actually one of the flowers from Landon's funeral and of course there's my beautiful son. I miss him.

Day 22: Place of Birth

Here's the facts... Landon was born at Bay Medical Center in Bay City Michigan. He was born Friday, March 26, 2010 at 7:57 pm EST.

The nurses at Bay Med were absolutely wonderful.
I remember Nurse Lynette. She was the nurse that discovered Landon did not have a heartbeat. She is involved in the baby loss support group called Precious Reflections, how ironic that she is the first nurse I had. Lynette was also my nurse later in the week. She said when she came back after her days off she saw my name on the board and requested to be my nurse, Lynette is special.
I remember Nurse Ellen. Ellen spent hours with Paul and myself. She was the nurse to prepare us for, well, what to expect when you're about to deliver a baby who has passed away. She took great care of us and she took great care of Landon after he was born. She went above and beyond the scope of her job duties, she helped us contact the funeral home, something that first time parents should never have to think about. She encouraged us to spend as much time as we needed with our son. We are forever grateful for her kindness.
I remember Nurse Heidi. She spent the worst hours with me. She was my nurse during the tough labor hours. She held my hand through the physical and mental pain. Even though I know she had other patients, she treated me like I was the only patient she had. I am so thankful for her.
I remember Nurse Danette and Nurse Tammy. They were the nurses that were actually present for Landon's delivery. They were extra gentle with me and with Landon. I appreciate everything they did for us.
I had several other nurses during my 8 day stay and each nurse I had was kind and gentle. I am thankful that the nurses at Bay Med treated me with such great care.

For day 22 I decided to use a picture of my delivering nurses with Landon. This is Nurse Tammy, Nurse Danette, and Landon.