Day 29: Music

When I think of Landon and music, several songs come to mind. I know there are many more that remind me of my son, but these are the few that pop into my head every single time.

I think of Total Eclipse of the Heart...
Once upon a time I was falling in love,
Now I'm only falling apart

I think of I don't want to miss a thing...
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

I think of How Come the World Won't Stop...
Somebody told me
you were not coming home
the words are spinning in time
and the air suddenly went cold...
How come the world won't stop spinning
now that you're gone
I know every end has beginnings
but this one's all wrong
so wrong

Every time I think of music, the first song that I think of is called Homesick by Mercy Me. Homesick is the song that we had played at Landon's funeral. I think specifically of several lines but I've decided to post the entire lyircs...

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Day 29 is music. Pretty much any music that invokes a feeling of "I miss you" makes me think of Landon. I chose a picture that I took during the winter. I wrote a simple message to my son in the snow.
I love you Landon, and I still miss you.

Day 28: Memory

Memories. When you think of growing older and having kids, you never imagine that one of the worst memories in your life may involve your baby. The worst memories of my life are so close to the best memories of my life thus far, pregnancy and child birth.

I'm going to focus on the good memories. I'm smiling as I remember Landon kick... I remember how he used to jam his little foot straight up into my ribs... I remember hearing his heartbeat at the doctor office... I remember seeing him moving on the ultrasound screen...

The good memories I have of Landon are pregnancy memories. Day 28 is memory. I chose the last happy memory of Landon's little life. This pregnancy picture was taken the night before Landon died. I was 35 weeks pregnant and I was happy, the next day, my life would change forever.

Day 27: Artwork

My son died as a baby, I never got happy little hand print poems, I never got cute toddler crayon scribbles, I have no artwork from him. I have many pieces of "artwork" that I have done for him. I have hundreds of digital scrap pages of his photos and of his name. I've scraped the name "Landon" more ways than I could have ever imagined and although I no longer do this, I still see different ways daily to scrap his name.

Day 27 is artwork. Since I have no artwork from my son, I have chosen to share a piece of "art" that I have created myself. One day I was taking pictures of my rainbow Jaxon with my Molly Bear Landon. I took probably a hundred slightly different photos, I'm slightly addicted to the camera! I saw this photo of their feet and remembered a saying I once saw. I googled until I found the saying and put it to the photo. I think it pretty much says it all.

Day 26: Their Age

Landon should be a rambunctious 2 and a half year old. He should be showing a personality that is all "Landon". He should be running around and playing. He should be having fun with his little brother. He should be here. He should be 2 and a half.

Day 26 is baby's age. It was meant to show the age of your baby when they passed away. When I think of Landon running around in Heaven, I do not think of a newborn baby, I think of a 2 and a half year old little boy. For this reason, I chose to use a picture of Landon's last birthday balloon showing his age, 2.

Day 25: Baby Shower

The baby shower is such a special thing. Women that love and care for you and your child attend and shower your soon-to-be newborn with gifts. It's a time for celebrating and it's so much fun.

Landon's baby shower was happy and perfect. We got so many of the items we needed and so many super cute things from friends and family.
Sometimes happy and perfect times precede sad times... Landon died less than 2 weeks after his baby shower.
Landon's bassinet was packed away, unused.
Landon's bottles were packed away, unused.
Landon's clothes were packed away, unused.
Landon's crib was disassembled and packed away, unused.
My sweet Landon would never get to use any of those things. Landon was snuggled in his "coming home" outfit, a cute blue sleeper with dogs and a matching hat. He was tucked in hand crocheted blankets with one square crocheted long before he was ever born by his great-great-grandma. He was lovingly placed in a tiny white casket that mommy and daddy sealed with a kiss...

This picture from our happy times, from our baby shower is one of the last pictures of near innocence. Landon was our miracle baby conceived after years of struggling with infertility and miscarriages. Our baby shower cake said "miracle baby" and "hope".

Day 24: Siblings

When I think of siblings, I think of children growing up together. I think of them playing tag and hide n seek. I think of them riding bikes together. I think of the joy of their faces on Christmas morning as they realize Santa has visited. I think of children growing up and having their own families and coming together for holidays, for special occasions, and just because they can.

My son will never have any of these things with his big brother and that makes me sad. He will never play with his big brother, he will never fight with his big brother, he will never have his big brother.

As a baby loss mom, I need to decide how to handle this. Jaxon will know he has a big brother and he will know Landon is in heaven. I have pictures of Landon hanging on the wall and Jaxon will know that this is his big brother. I do not yet know how I will handle the questions that are sure to come, I guess I'll cross that bridge when it gets here.

Day 24 is siblings, as of right now, Landon has one little brother, Jaxon. Hopefully we will add to our family, but if we are not that blessed, we will be forever blessed that we have Jaxon. Here is a recent picture of Jaxon.

Day 23: Their name and photo

Landon Paul Rodgers. My sons name is Landon Paul Rodgers, I love his name.

People tend to shy away from saying the name of my child. Not me, I love his name. I say it whenever I want. He is my son and his name is Landon. His name was chosen because we loved it. Even though Landon is no longer here with me, I still love to hear his name.

In my experience with other baby loss moms, I've found that I am one of the lucky ones. I have photos of my son, many do not. Day 23 is baby's name or baby's photo, I am blessed to be able to share both. When Landon died, I started digital scrapbooking. I scraped his photos and his name over and over again. I've chosen to share one of those scrap pages. The black and white of the flower is actually one of the flowers from Landon's funeral and of course there's my beautiful son. I miss him.