Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

You never want one event in your life to define you, sometimes, however, one event in your life can redefine you. I am not the same person I was before my son died, but I am me... and that's ok.

On March 26, 2010, the "old" me died right along with my son. That person was buried with her son, with my son. Most days, I long to be her... that innocent girl who thought 9 months of pregnancy meant bringing home a baby, but she is replaced by someone who knows that 9 months of pregnancy means nothing. Most days, I'm jealous of her... that innocent girl who saw pregnant woman shopping for their baby and smiled, but she is replaced by someone who sees them shopping and thinks 'maybe you should wait to buy that, just in case'. Most days, I try to forget her...

Everything changes after you experience the loss of your baby. I once read something another baby loss mom wrote about this. She likened it to falling in a big hole, or something, I think. Basically, from what I remember, you're at the bottom and the world you knew is at the top. Your friends, your acquaintances, everyone you knew is at the top. At first, they all try to help you back to the top, they worry about you, they wonder if you're ok. As time goes on, they start to wonder if you'll ever be able to get out of that hole, and some of them move on. As you start to realize that you're in this hole, you start to climb out. Along the climb, you notice that you are not alone, there are other women in the same hole. They have fallen into the same hole of baby loss. Some are closer to the top, and sadly, you notice that some are closer to the bottom. They cry with you. They cheer you on. They help you make the journey back to the top of the hole.
Once you finally get to the top, you realize everything is different. You see, once you've fallen into the hole, you can never go back. You can never go back.

Sometimes I wonder, if I could go back, would I? Would I go back to being innocent, happy, free... if it meant that I would never have Landon, then absolutely not, I would do it all over again, he is my son, he will forever be my son and I wouldn't give him back for anything. I do wish he was still here with me, I wish his little brother had a big brother to play with, but I wouldn't go back.

Day 3 is supposed to be an after loss self portrait. I have chosen a photo of myself, my husband, and our beloved son Landon. As I said, this is an after loss portrait... our son had already left us. I see hurt, I see pain, I see broken dreams, and I see hope lost... and I see my beautiful son.