I hate, with all my being, that my son has a memorial. Memorials are for grandparents. Memorials are for parents. Memorials are for soldiers. Memorials shouldn't be for babies. Babies should grow up and create memorials for their parents, not the other way around... it's unnatural, it's not right, it's just not fair.
Unfortunately, life is not always fair.
Day 5 is supposed to be a memorial. I have several things that remind me of Landon, several memorials.
Landon's final resting place - that is his ultimate memorial, I guess. I remember thinking about where to bury my son. I should have been wondering if his name fit, if he had mommy's eyes, daddy's ears, I should have been wondering if he'd nurse well, if he'd sleep through the night, instead I had to wonder about his final resting place. I had never had anything to do with a funeral, I'd never planned a funeral, I'd never planned a burial, I had no idea what to do. I asked my mom to ask my grandma if there was room in her family plot to bury Landon, to bury my baby.
I don't remember much about Landon's funeral, I don't remember much about his burial, I remember kneeling down with my husband to kiss his casket one last time before it was gone.
Landon's place in the cemetery is pretty plain. I don't want it cluttered. I want grass. We chose a black headstone and we keep one or two decorative things there at a time. It's Landon's space and I want it to look respectable. I think it's a beautiful memorial.
A week after Landon died, my husband and I decided to get memorial tattoos. We decided on the same colors but different tattoos. This is our own special memorial for our son. Something we will take with us to our graves. I think they are beautiful memorials.
We wanted to do something special for Landon, create a special place to remember him. We planted a tree, in memory of Landon, in our yard. It's a very little tree, we bought a baby tree. It basically looked like a twig sticking out of the ground and we were sure it wouldn't survive its first winter. Amazingly enough, while I think most people would think it's a pathetic little tree, Landon's tree continues to grow. It sprouts new leaves each spring, they turn red each fall, and they fall off each winter. We have a little memorial plaque and a little cross in the ground with the tree. Eventually we plan to create a garden around Landon's tree. I think it's a beautiful memorial.
When I realized that I would only ever have the pics of my son that I had, that I would never have another picture of him, I was more heartbroken than I already was. No more pictures. No more memories.
I decided I wanted to scrapbook the pictures I had of him. I had never done scrapbooking and was clueless. I searched a bit online and decided digital scrapbooking was for me. I started scrapbooking Landon's pictures. Once I had finished with his pictures, I started scrapbooking his name... it was all I had. I found that seeing his name in different ways was very comforting. I also started doing this for other baby loss mom's, I wanted to bring some comfort to them, but it was very therapeutic for me.
Although I stopped doing this last year, I created many memories for myself and for others. Pictures are a great memorial. I have a space in the living room with Landon's name and a few pictures. I think it's a beautiful memorial.
Since I think each of Landon's memorial are beautiful, I decided to do a collage of them, here is my day 5 photo. The top is a picture of me on Mother's Day, the bottom left is is our tattoos, the bottom center is Landon's tree, and the bottom right is Landon's space on our living room wall. I miss my son.
No comments:
Post a Comment