December 17, 2012: Brothers

I decided that writing about Landon and my feelings is something that I needed to do. I feel that it is something that I need to continue.

When I started the 31 days of grief project, I decided to "make it my own". You were simply asked to photograph the topics and post, I decided to start a blog and write about how I felt about the particular topic.

At the beginning, I was emotionally and mentally stuck (for lack of a better word). I had been in counseling for months trying to help me deal with a fear that stemmed from losing Landon. My fear? Losing Jaxon.
I had already buried one son, there is no way in hell I could live through burying another son, I just couldn't. Since before Jaxon was born, I've been dealing with an intense overwhelming fear of his death. I couldn't get his nursery ready because he was probably going to die anyway, just like Landon. I couldn't get his things out and washed and put in place because he was probably going to die, just like Landon, then I'd have to face putting things away unused... again, just like with Landon. I couldn't even think about his birth and coming home because I knew he was probably going to die and we'd be planning a funeral again, just like Landon.
I didn't think about bringing him home, I thought about his burial. I figured that we would have to buy a new cemetery plot because there is no more room by Landon. I knew we would have to buy a new plot to have him buried and then move his brother so they could be next to each other. Can you imagine? A new mother-to-be thinking about cemetery plots, just in case? It was crazy, but I thought about it all the time.

Then Jaxon was born, and he didn't die. I heard him cry; I saw his eyes. I held him and I never wanted to let him go. I tried every day to remember every single little detail about him, every thing he did, every noise he made, every move he made... just in case, because if he died, I needed to be able to remember. The first time he laughed, I tried desperately to commit that to memory, not because it was his first laugh, rather I did it just in case I never heard him laugh again. The first time he rolled over, the next time he laughed, the first time he babbled, the next time he rolled over, the first time he sat up, the next time he babbled... every single thing he did I needed to remember, just in case it was the last time he ever did it.

Then it got worse, instead of worrying constantly about Jaxon dying, I started seeing bad things happening to him. I would hold his hand and he would wrap his fingers around my finger and I would see someone break all his little fingers. I would dress him and I would see someone snap his precious little legs. Every time I touched him I would see someone hurting him.

Then it got worse, instead of worrying about him dying, instead of "seeing" him hurt, I started seeing his death. I would be driving to his pediatrician and see the truck fly off the bridge and I couldn't get him out and he would drown. He would be sleeping and I would see him limp from having passed in his sleep. Every time I did anything or went anywhere, I would see it turning around to him dying.

I've taken literally thousands and thousands of pictures of Jaxon. He would move and I'd take a picture, just in case I never was able to take another picture. Thoughts of Jaxon dying were consuming my mind all the time. I couldn't make them go away, I didn't know how, that's what I had decided to seek help for... I didn't want to be sitting with my 5 year old and regret spending his baby and toddler years scared and worried when I should have been enjoying having a baby and a toddler.

Then I found and started the 31 days of grief project. Within days of starting, something was different. I can't explain what exactly, but I can say that I started seeing Jaxon differently. It was like I could see HIM. JAXON was there. JAXON was living. Jaxon wasn't dead and I could see that. A few more days and I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I thought he would get hurt, I couldn't remember the last time I thought he would die. I don't know how it happened so fast, but I'm thankful that it did. Maybe it was the actual writing. Maybe my mind needed me to take a little time each day, a little time each week, just a little time here and there to devote to Landon and how I feel about his life and his death. Maybe I felt guilty that I couldn't help Landon survive, that I couldn't take care of him like a mother is supposed to do, that I couldn't keep him safe. Maybe I felt guilty that I was trying to do these things for Jaxon when I couldn't do them for Landon. I don't know.

What I do know is that Jaxon is my son, just like Landon, but unlike Landon, Jaxon is living and I am finally, finally able to begin embracing his life and it feels great. Landon and Jaxon are both my sons, they are brothers and I love them.
For today, I decided to create a picture with both of my boys. I used a picture of Landon from shortly after his birth and I used a picture of Jaxon from shortly after his birth.
Landon Paul and Jaxon Paul, my sweet sons.

Day 31: Sunset

This journey through grief has been one that has helped my struggle tremendously. When I started this journey, I had no idea just how much it would heal me. I'm not sure where exactly the healing came from, but I am 100% positive that this has helped. I'm in a much different place emotionally today then I was before I began this project. This project was created by Carly Marie to help raise awareness during national Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. The intention was to create awareness each of the 31 days of October. I had initially planned to keep up with this project daily, I did not plan for the healing that it would give me, and I had to take that slow. It was something that I knew I couldn't rush through. It has taken me 2 and a half months to finish this one month project and that's ok. It's kind of like the journey through grief, you never know what obstacles you will over come, what set backs you may have, you never really know anything, but in the end, it's ok.

I feel like this sunset picture may really represent the sun setting on my grief. My grief will never be gone, I am the mother of a child that no one can see, a child that no one knows, a child that lived solely inside of me. My grief will always be there, but it's a much different grief now then it was a couple years ago. I feel that this sunset picture is a perfect showing of changing in my grief. I love my son, I wish things were different, I wish he was here, I cannot change any of these things, but I can start to live again... I think Landon would have wanted that.
Landon, you will always be my first born...
I will miss you forever...
I will love you for always...

Landon Paul Rodgers, my son, 3.26.10-3.26.10

Day 30: Your Grief, Tell the World

My son died. I can say that now. My struggle with grief has been long and hard, as I'm sure any other baby loss mom would say.

My road of grief is one that I cannot turn away from, but I've chosen to stop when I needed to stop and continue on when I needed to continue. Sometimes I've been travelling on my road with blinders on, and that's ok. I've gone through "the fog" and I've come out the other side. I've gone through the valley of lows and I've come out the other side. Many times along the way I've simply chosen to pretend that my road is not one of a grieving mother, and that's ok too.
For me, there have been many times that I've needed to pretend that it didn't happen to me. When I've come out of those periods of time, I have always felt a little worse for momentarily "forgetting" but I know that it's ok. I think that sometimes, we just can't handle things so we need to push them aside for a little bit. Then when we can better handle things, we'll come back and "deal" again. At least, that's how my road has been. I've been sad when thinking about Landon, I've pretended like it didn't happen to me, and sometimes I can now smile when thinking about my son.
Not every baby loss mom will follow the same road as I follow; we each travel the road of grief, but each road is our own and while we can help each other along the way, we must each travel our own road all by ourselves. We must choose to continue moving or get sucked in by the valleys. Our friends can try to help us, but it's our choice. I'd bet most of us wish we could just jump to the end and "be ok again" but that's not how it works... we have to travel our road, we have to experience our grief.

Day 30 is Your Grief - Tell the World. I'm going to continue this blog "exploring" different topics along the way, this is how I'm going to "tell the world". It is such a healing experience for me and I can't see just stopping. I need to carry this along my road with me. My grief exists solely because of the death of my son. My grief is my reality. I've chosen a picture of my son's head stone, I think that says it all.

Day 29: Music

When I think of Landon and music, several songs come to mind. I know there are many more that remind me of my son, but these are the few that pop into my head every single time.

I think of Total Eclipse of the Heart...
Once upon a time I was falling in love,
Now I'm only falling apart

I think of I don't want to miss a thing...
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

I think of How Come the World Won't Stop...
Somebody told me
you were not coming home
the words are spinning in time
and the air suddenly went cold...
How come the world won't stop spinning
now that you're gone
I know every end has beginnings
but this one's all wrong
so wrong

Every time I think of music, the first song that I think of is called Homesick by Mercy Me. Homesick is the song that we had played at Landon's funeral. I think specifically of several lines but I've decided to post the entire lyircs...

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Day 29 is music. Pretty much any music that invokes a feeling of "I miss you" makes me think of Landon. I chose a picture that I took during the winter. I wrote a simple message to my son in the snow.
I love you Landon, and I still miss you.

Day 28: Memory

Memories. When you think of growing older and having kids, you never imagine that one of the worst memories in your life may involve your baby. The worst memories of my life are so close to the best memories of my life thus far, pregnancy and child birth.

I'm going to focus on the good memories. I'm smiling as I remember Landon kick... I remember how he used to jam his little foot straight up into my ribs... I remember hearing his heartbeat at the doctor office... I remember seeing him moving on the ultrasound screen...

The good memories I have of Landon are pregnancy memories. Day 28 is memory. I chose the last happy memory of Landon's little life. This pregnancy picture was taken the night before Landon died. I was 35 weeks pregnant and I was happy, the next day, my life would change forever.

Day 27: Artwork

My son died as a baby, I never got happy little hand print poems, I never got cute toddler crayon scribbles, I have no artwork from him. I have many pieces of "artwork" that I have done for him. I have hundreds of digital scrap pages of his photos and of his name. I've scraped the name "Landon" more ways than I could have ever imagined and although I no longer do this, I still see different ways daily to scrap his name.

Day 27 is artwork. Since I have no artwork from my son, I have chosen to share a piece of "art" that I have created myself. One day I was taking pictures of my rainbow Jaxon with my Molly Bear Landon. I took probably a hundred slightly different photos, I'm slightly addicted to the camera! I saw this photo of their feet and remembered a saying I once saw. I googled until I found the saying and put it to the photo. I think it pretty much says it all.

Day 26: Their Age

Landon should be a rambunctious 2 and a half year old. He should be showing a personality that is all "Landon". He should be running around and playing. He should be having fun with his little brother. He should be here. He should be 2 and a half.

Day 26 is baby's age. It was meant to show the age of your baby when they passed away. When I think of Landon running around in Heaven, I do not think of a newborn baby, I think of a 2 and a half year old little boy. For this reason, I chose to use a picture of Landon's last birthday balloon showing his age, 2.

Day 25: Baby Shower

The baby shower is such a special thing. Women that love and care for you and your child attend and shower your soon-to-be newborn with gifts. It's a time for celebrating and it's so much fun.

Landon's baby shower was happy and perfect. We got so many of the items we needed and so many super cute things from friends and family.
Sometimes happy and perfect times precede sad times... Landon died less than 2 weeks after his baby shower.
Landon's bassinet was packed away, unused.
Landon's bottles were packed away, unused.
Landon's clothes were packed away, unused.
Landon's crib was disassembled and packed away, unused.
My sweet Landon would never get to use any of those things. Landon was snuggled in his "coming home" outfit, a cute blue sleeper with dogs and a matching hat. He was tucked in hand crocheted blankets with one square crocheted long before he was ever born by his great-great-grandma. He was lovingly placed in a tiny white casket that mommy and daddy sealed with a kiss...

This picture from our happy times, from our baby shower is one of the last pictures of near innocence. Landon was our miracle baby conceived after years of struggling with infertility and miscarriages. Our baby shower cake said "miracle baby" and "hope".

Day 24: Siblings

When I think of siblings, I think of children growing up together. I think of them playing tag and hide n seek. I think of them riding bikes together. I think of the joy of their faces on Christmas morning as they realize Santa has visited. I think of children growing up and having their own families and coming together for holidays, for special occasions, and just because they can.

My son will never have any of these things with his big brother and that makes me sad. He will never play with his big brother, he will never fight with his big brother, he will never have his big brother.

As a baby loss mom, I need to decide how to handle this. Jaxon will know he has a big brother and he will know Landon is in heaven. I have pictures of Landon hanging on the wall and Jaxon will know that this is his big brother. I do not yet know how I will handle the questions that are sure to come, I guess I'll cross that bridge when it gets here.

Day 24 is siblings, as of right now, Landon has one little brother, Jaxon. Hopefully we will add to our family, but if we are not that blessed, we will be forever blessed that we have Jaxon. Here is a recent picture of Jaxon.

Day 23: Their name and photo

Landon Paul Rodgers. My sons name is Landon Paul Rodgers, I love his name.

People tend to shy away from saying the name of my child. Not me, I love his name. I say it whenever I want. He is my son and his name is Landon. His name was chosen because we loved it. Even though Landon is no longer here with me, I still love to hear his name.

In my experience with other baby loss moms, I've found that I am one of the lucky ones. I have photos of my son, many do not. Day 23 is baby's name or baby's photo, I am blessed to be able to share both. When Landon died, I started digital scrapbooking. I scraped his photos and his name over and over again. I've chosen to share one of those scrap pages. The black and white of the flower is actually one of the flowers from Landon's funeral and of course there's my beautiful son. I miss him.

Day 22: Place of Birth

Here's the facts... Landon was born at Bay Medical Center in Bay City Michigan. He was born Friday, March 26, 2010 at 7:57 pm EST.

The nurses at Bay Med were absolutely wonderful.
I remember Nurse Lynette. She was the nurse that discovered Landon did not have a heartbeat. She is involved in the baby loss support group called Precious Reflections, how ironic that she is the first nurse I had. Lynette was also my nurse later in the week. She said when she came back after her days off she saw my name on the board and requested to be my nurse, Lynette is special.
I remember Nurse Ellen. Ellen spent hours with Paul and myself. She was the nurse to prepare us for, well, what to expect when you're about to deliver a baby who has passed away. She took great care of us and she took great care of Landon after he was born. She went above and beyond the scope of her job duties, she helped us contact the funeral home, something that first time parents should never have to think about. She encouraged us to spend as much time as we needed with our son. We are forever grateful for her kindness.
I remember Nurse Heidi. She spent the worst hours with me. She was my nurse during the tough labor hours. She held my hand through the physical and mental pain. Even though I know she had other patients, she treated me like I was the only patient she had. I am so thankful for her.
I remember Nurse Danette and Nurse Tammy. They were the nurses that were actually present for Landon's delivery. They were extra gentle with me and with Landon. I appreciate everything they did for us.
I had several other nurses during my 8 day stay and each nurse I had was kind and gentle. I am thankful that the nurses at Bay Med treated me with such great care.

For day 22 I decided to use a picture of my delivering nurses with Landon. This is Nurse Tammy, Nurse Danette, and Landon.

Day 21: Sacred Space

I don't really have what I would call a sacred space for Landon. What I do have is several spaces that are special for Landon. I think I'll talk about what will hopefully be a sacred space for Landon.

On day 9 I talked about what will be Landon's Garden. This was the very first idea we came up with together. Daddy found the memorial tree and ordered it. It came with a special memorial plaque engraved with his name. When the tree was delivered, we chose the perfect place to plant it and we talked about creating a memorial garden around his tree. We took the tree out and realized just how small it was; we feared it would not last the hot summer or the cold winter.

Landon's tree has survived 3 hot and dry summers and is about to enter its 3rd cold and snowy winter. The garden is not yet done, as of now, we have Landon's tree and his memorial plaque and a beautiful idea.

Day 20: Charity/Organization

So it appears that maybe I should have looked ahead! If you remember, on day 12 I wrote about Molly Bears because I had no scents to write about.

Well, day 20 is charity/organization! Guess what, I feel that Molly Bears is worth writing about again.
You can visit www.mollybears.com to read all about this wonderful non profit organization. My fellow baby loss mom and friend Bridget and her family has created this amazing organization in memory of her daughter Molly. They make weighted teddy bears to fill empty arms all over the world. They ensure that each teddy bear, each Molly Bear weighs the same as each precious baby. This is amazing because you have something to hold that weighs exactly what your precious baby weighed. It feels wonderful to be able to hold your the weight of your baby at night when your arms feel the most empty.

Molly Bears works off donations and if you are able, I ask that you make a donation in memory of Landon. Each little bit helps.

Since I already included a picture of my Molly Bear Landon, for Day 20 I decided to use a picture of my Landon Bear on a day out! We visited a pumpkin farm with our rainbow baby Jaxon and we took his brother bear along. I decided to include our Molly Bear Landon in a picture with Jaxon and I think it's simply adorable!

Day 19: Project

After years and years of waiting, you're finally pregnant and you're finally having a child of your very own. You've had the baby shower; the nursery is complete; everything has been cleaned; the house is all set; you're ready to welcome your new baby home. You can't wait to experience what you've dreamed of for years, leaving the hospital with your newborn baby.

Sometimes dreams turn into nightmares.

Sometimes nightmares turn into reality.

You've gone to the doctor and they decided you would be delivered that evening or the next morning. You call your husband at work and tell him you're being sent to the hospital and the baby is coming that night or the next morning, you're exited, your moment is finally here, you're finally getting everything you've ever dreamed of, you're finally having a baby.

You get to the hospital and finally get into a room. The nurse gets the monitors for contractions and for the baby's heart rate. Your husband comes into the room, you are amazed that he got there so fast! The nurse turns on the monitor and places it on your baby bump. She moves it around and around and around, she can't find the baby. It's no concern because they had just found the baby at the doctor office, your little one must have moved. The nurse goes to get an ultrasound machine so she can see exactly where the baby is.

Your dream is about to turn into a nightmare that is about to become your reality.

You look at the ultrasound image as the nurse brings the baby into focus and because you've had enough ultrasounds you are acutely aware that there is something wrong, you notice that there is no movement.

Your dream has become your nightmare, your baby has no heartbeat. The world around you becomes a flurry of doctors and nurses that all meld into each other as your mind tries to comprehend what you've been told. Things are happening around you but you can no longer focus on anything.

Your nightmare becomes reality as you're prepared to deliver your child, your child who will not cry, your child who will not take a breath, your child who has passed away.

You will not leave this hospital with your sweet newborn baby, the guy from the funeral home will leave with your child. You will leave this hospital with a broken heart and empty arms.

Day 19 is project. I left the hospital with nothing except a broken heart. For Landon's first birthday, I made several "goodie bags" for moms just like me, moms leaving the hospital without their baby. I hand crocheted a hat for the baby and I crocheted a very small duplicate for mom to keep. I made little bags for a lock of the baby's hair and I included a small pair of scissors to be used for mom to keep. I asked friends to donate cameras and I included a disposable camera with a list of pictures to remember. A baby loss organization called S.O.B.B.S (stories of babies born still) donated bracelets that said "Mom of an Angel" that I included as well. I knew that another mom would be going home with a broken heart but I was hoping that I could help, just a little, with the empty arms. For Day 19, I chose a picture of some of the bags I donated in memory of my son.

Day 18: Family Portrait

Family portrait, this may be the hardest thing to write about. A family portrait. A portrait that includes each member of your family. What do you do when one member of your family cannot be there? You reschedule, that's easy. But, what do you do when one member of your family will never be able to be there?

The baby loss mom will never feel that her family portrait is complete, there will forever be someone missing. Some moms will hold a picture of their child in their family portrait. Some moms will have a special "something" that is included that represents their child. Either way, there's still a family member missing, it will never be complete, it will never be "just right".

Day 18 is family portrait. My family portrait will never be complete, there will forever be a child missing. The extent of the emptiness in mommy's heart when looking at a family portrait can never fully be explained or understood unless you are a baby loss mom. For my day 18 photo, I decided to express the emptiness as best I could. This is our family picture, I've "altered" it to show what a baby loss mom sees, what she feels, what a baby loss mom knows... a family portrait is empty when you don't have all of your children.

Day 17: Birthday

After a loved one passes away, do you continue to celebrate their birthday? If you're a baby loss mom, then your answer is, most likely, yes.

To some, this may seem a strange concept. To a baby loss mom, it's not even a choice, you just do it. You celebrate the birth of your children, it doesn't matter if they're no longer here, they're still your children.

To celebrate Landon's birthday, each year we've done the same thing. We order balloons and hold a small balloon release at the cemetery. After the balloon release, we have a little meal at our house which includes a birthday cake. Birthday celebrations are supposed to be happy. It's different to ask others to participate in a birthday celebration for a child that is no longer here, but that's all that we have. This is the one thing that we do each year that we ask others to participate in with us. We appreciate each person that is able to celebrate the short life of our child with us and we appreciate those that are thinking of us and are unable to make it.

Day 17 is birthday. I've chosen a picture of Landon's first birthday cake. It's plain but it's perfect.

Day 16: Release

Participating in a release after the death of a loved one is a great way to help "let go" of a little piece of grief. Releasing balloons with your baby's name or with a note to your baby with the hopes that your child will be able to see the balloons from heaven helps you feel a little closer to your baby.

Every year for Landon's birthday, we've had a small balloon release at the cemetery. We get several balloons and markers and anyone that would like to come is invited. We let our friends and family write a little note on their balloon and we say "Happy Birthday" to our sweet Landon and release our balloons. It's not a spectacular event by any means, it's small, it's quick, but it's ours. It's our way of remembering that Landon was here, he is remembered, and he is loved.

This past year, we participated in a big balloon release for our community. We wrote Landon's name on his balloon and we each wrote a small note to him. We let his balloon fly with hundreds of balloons each representing a little life lost way too soon; it was beautiful, it was bittersweet.

We participated in a release of rose petals into the river earlier this year. I loved the releasing of the rose petals. It was entirely different from balloons yet it held the same small release of grief.

Day 16 is release. I have pictures of each balloon release we've done and I have pictures of the rose petals floating on the river. The picture I chose for today is of the first release of balloons at the cemetery, it was Landon's first birthday. I absolutely love the way the sun shines in this picture. It appears, to me, that the rays are about to accept the balloons. If you look closely, you can see rays of sunshine throughout the entire picture, it's like all the little angels were present for Landon's balloon release and I love it.

Day 15: Wave of Light

October is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. The 15th is set aside for a day of remembrance. A day to remember all of our babies taken way too soon.

The baby loss community comes together across the world to create a wave of light on this day each year... a wave for our babies. At 7:00 pm, in your respective time zone, you are asked to simply light a candle and let it burn for one hour... that's it. This one hour creates a wave of light, from time zone to time zone, around the world.

Day 15 is supposed to be a photo of the wave of light. My photo didn't come out that great, so I asked a dear friend if I could use hers, she said yes, let me tell you about my friend.
Late in 2009, I joined an online group called April 2010 Expecting Club, we were all pregnant with babies that were due in April 2010. There were over 100 women that came together to enjoy our pregnancies. We complained about morning sickness together, cried about hormones together, found out "boy/girl/surprise" together, we were there for each other, and soon enough we started sharing our birth stories together, we were there for each other. I had no idea that I would go through so much with these women.
In January we prayed together when our first "Dew Drop" was born so early, in February we cried together when one of our "Dew Drops" lost his daddy before he was even born, in March we cried together as two of our "Dew Drops" passed away.
One of these women and I had no idea just how much we would go through together. Sabrina's baby girl was due 2 weeks before my surprise was due. On March 25, 2010 I woke up sick and would spend the next 24 hours going through the worst experience in my life as I learned I had sudden severe preeclampsia and would have my baby that evening. Except, my baby didn't make it to that evening, I was sick, my baby died, I still had to give birth, and I hadn't even been able to tell my friends yet.
When I was able, I got on my computer and typed out my birth story "Landon's birth story - RIP baby". I wrote the story out in notepad because I didn't want to see the happy birth stories, I didn't want to be reminded of such joy when mine had been ripped from me. When I finally logged on to let my friends know that Landon was born and had passed away, there was a new birth story that had just been posted, my friend Sabrina had given birth to her sweet baby girl on March 25, her birth story "RIP princess Kylee"... our babies came together and our babies left together.
Landon and Kylee, an angel's bff. We had both given birth, two mommas with new babies, two babies that never took one breath, two mommas with broken hearts, crushed dreams, two mommas lost.
Sabrina and I fell into the baby loss hole together and we've been climbing out together for the past two and a half years. We feel our babies are best friends in heaven.
Sabrina has a special pink candle for Kylee and a blue candle for Landon. Each year she lights these candles for their birthdays and for the wave of light. This year, she set up a wonderful candle display for the wave of light, Kylee's candle, Landon's candle, and several other candles, and if I'm not mistaken, that little teddy bear in the middle holds Kylee.
I love you Sabrina, I know that Kylee and Landon are together, and even if we are never able to get together on this side, I'm sure they'll bring us together on the flip side! <3

Day 14: Community

The baby loss community is sadly huge. Through my loss I have found a huge network of support from around the world. There are many online support sites for losing a child.

I had already been part of some of these online communities. I was part of an expecting group of over 100 women that were all expecting in April 2010. When Landon died, I searched the online community for support in the loss and quickly found a support group. That support group led to another and another. I have met so many great women online, I can't even begin to name them all. They quickly opened their arms and welcomed me into their lives. Unfortunately it's like a revolving door... women are losing their babies every single day and coming in for support.

Eventually many in the group move on to the "next step" together. The next round of women will do the same. Some will be there to support long after their "core" group has left. Those women are strong, very strong. It's very hard to stay and read new stories every single day that resemble your own, new stories of lost dreams, new stories of lost hope, new stories of babies dying, new stories that feel so very old because you already know the ending...

I keep in contact with many women that hit the online loss community around the same time as I did. We cry together, we laugh together, we've become pregnant again together, we support each other, we're friends. I wish I could get the chance to meet all of my new friends in person. I have hundreds of friends that I've met through the baby loss community, I've met 3 in person. Day 14 is community, the picture I've chosen is a picture of 3 very special women, all three of them are very strong women. They continue to help new mommas. I'd be willing to bet that if you ask a baby loss mom to name a few of the "big names" in the baby loss community, women who are there for others, women who help, women who have done great things to help others, these three names would come up. Here's a picture of me with Tara, Tamberly, and Bridgette. (Tara, Tamberly, Bridgette, and me)

Day 13: Signs

Many people who lose a loved one believe their loved ones send them signs. 

Sometimes when I see a butterfly, I believe Landon sent it to me. Maybe he just wanted to send me a smile, and it came in the form of a butterfly. I don't feel that way every time I see a butterfly, only when he wants me to feel that way, only when he wants me to feel him.

I believe that our lost loved ones are able to send us signs when we need them. Maybe they need to see a smile on our face so they send us a butterfly, that butterfly makes us smile, and that butterfly has served its purpose. Maybe they send us a certain flower, perfectly bloomed and swaying in the wind to catch our attention, and make us smile, and that flower has served its purpose. I believe Landon sends me rainbows.

After Landon died, most of his stuff was packed up, placed in his bedroom, and the door closed. I insisted his swing remain in the living room. I spent months lying on the couch pushing that empty swing, then I spent months lying on the couch pushing my Molly Bear Landon on that swing. One day while I was rearranging Landon Bears blankets I noticed the smallest rainbow right on my foot. My foot was directly below the swing, I tried to follow that rainbow to its source but was unsuccessful... that rainbow was from Landon.

One day I was playing cards at my moms house with several family members. As I reached to the center of the table, the tiniest rainbow appeared on my bicep. A smile immediately came upon my face. I knew it was from Landon and I said so. One of the family members said it wasn't from him and insisted it was "because of the sun shining on something". I decided to follow it to its source since I hadn't been able to do so with that first rainbow. After a minute or so I was able to follow this rainbow to the peep hole in my moms front door. We were sitting in the dining room, the door was in the living room, the sun was at the exact location to shine through that itty bitty peep hole and send a tiny rainbow directly on MY bicep, I do not believe that was a coincidence... that rainbow was from Landon.

One afternoon on my school bus route, the sun was exceptionally bright. As I made a turn, I noticed something near the sun, it was a sliver of a rainbow. When I looked closer, I saw that there were actually two slivers of a rainbow, one on either side of the sun. Those two little rainbows made me smile... I think Landon was letting me know that he and his angel bff Kylee were saying hi... those rainbows were sent from Landon.

In the baby loss community, we speak of "rainbow babies". If you've been wondering what exactly we mean... 

A rainbow baby is a baby that is born following the loss of a baby. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of better things to come. Having just experienced the storm, the rainbow is that much more appreciated. Rainbow babies are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath, what it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope. 

Along with all the other rainbows, I received my rainbow baby a little over 19 months after Landon died. Jaxon is my rainbow baby... a special rainbow sent from Landon.

One morning, Jaxon was playing on the floor and I noticed a little rainbow right on his head. Seeing that little rainbow on Jaxon's head made me smile, it made me think that Landon was there playing with his little brother... that rainbow was sent from Landon.

Another day Jaxon was napping on his boppy and a tiny rainbow appeared on his forehead. Another sign that Landon was there with his little brother... another rainbow sent from Landon.

Day 13 is signs... Landon sends me rainbows. I noticed a rainbow on my living room floor one day and started to follow it to its source. I put my hand in the rainbow and started following, then I got distracted by the rainbow. I was mesmerized by the colors, I was holding a rainbow in my hand, an actual rainbow in my hand... I could have chosen the picture I took of the rainbow on my foot, I could have chosen one of the pictures of the rainbows on Jaxon's head, but I chose a picture of the rainbow in my hand. I can no longer hold Landon in my hands, but he gives me rainbows, and I can hold his rainbows.

Day 12: Scents

Day 12 is supposed to be scents. After thinking long and hard for any scents that remind me of my baby, I came up empty. The normal scents you would think would remind me of my son do not. Baby powder, baby lotion, diapers, wipes, none of these remind me of Landon because I never got to experience any of these things with Landon. I never got to change his diaper, I never got to wipe his butt, I never got to put baby powder on him, I never got to put baby lotion on him. I never got to experience any of these things with my son.

Since I don't have any scents that remind me of Landon, I decided to change day 12 to "community support". There are many baby loss moms that have used their loss to help others. I will not even try to name them all as I will surely forget at least one. Instead, I will talk about my very favorite, Molly Bears. You can visit their website at www.mollybears.com and see what they are all about. My friend Bridget, who I met through the baby loss community, lost her daughter 2 months after I lost my son, you can read her story here... http://www.mollybears.com/our-story/molly-bears-story
My Molly Bear Landon was one of the bears Bridget made when she was just starting out, I think he was her 6th bear. I am so grateful for my bear. He weighs 4lb 12oz, just like my Landon weighed. On those dark nights when you need to hold your baby but can't, holding the weight of your baby fills those empty arms.

Molly Bears works off donations to put bears in the arms of thousands of broken hearted mommas. If you would like to donate to Molly Bears there is a donation link of their website. I would be so thankful if you donated in memory of my son Landon so that another mom can have a bear to fill her aching empty nights.

After Landon died, I spent all my time lying on the couch, my arm stretched out pushing an empty swing. When I got my Molly Bear Landon, he sat in that empty swing. He filled part of a void and I am so thankful for wonderful friends like Bridget. Here is a picture of my Molly Bear Landon sitting in the swing...

Day 11: Supportive Friends/Family

Imagine losing your hold on life, everything you knew... is no more, what you thought you had... is gone, your world has been flipped upside down and there's not a thing you can do about it. It's not a good feeling, not a good feeling at all.

In fact, you're feeling your worst, yet you're not feeling at all, not really. Your mind kind of shuts off. I imagine it's some sort of self preservation mechanism, or something. Losing your baby is not natural, it's not suppose to happen, so there are no coping mechanisms in place. Rather than swell up and BURST, your brain simply falls into self preservation mode and shuts off that portion. You think you're feeling and grieving, but you're really just barely functioning.
If you talk to any baby loss mom, they'll tell you that some time after their loss, generally several months or longer, it's like they suddenly wake up, like a fog has lifted, and they didn't even realize they were living in a fog.

I remember my fog lifting, I remember thinking where have I been... it's like you can finally start thinking clearly, you can finally feel again, you can finally start grieving, and eventually, you find that you can finally start living again.

Day 11 is supportive friends/family. When you fall into that hole of baby loss, when your brain shuts down, while your body sits at the bottom of that hole waiting for your brain to catch up, that's when you find out who your friends are. As I've said before, there will be people at the top of that hole who will move on without you... maybe they're too busy, maybe they're too uncomfortable, maybe they're just not the friends you thought they were. Through your loss, you'll find out who really matters. There will be some friends and family that step up and support you as best they know how. I have several people who have been there for me every step of the way. I have one person who has who has truly seen me through every step. This person has been there at my weakest and continues to help me stand when I fall. This one person continues to stand by my side through thick and thin, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm mad, they are always there holding my hand. This is the only person who has seen me at my worst and continues to be there for me no matter what I do and no matter what I say, because he knows the grief I feel first hand... he lost his son too. This is a picture of my husband, Landon's daddy, Paul.

Day 10: Symbol

I was trying to think of a symbol for my baby, something that is symbolic to me. I've thought for days. 

Lots of things remind me of Landon...

Whenever I see a butterfly, I imagine that somehow, Landon is floating near me. I think of the poem about butterflies coming near us and how for just that moment, their beauty belongs to us, but then the butterfly flies away again and even though we are sad to see it go, we feel lucky to have seen it... my time with Landon was short, quick like the butterfly. Butterflies are beautiful and when I see butterflies, I think of Landon.

Every summer there are a few dragonflies flying around. I've never associated them with Landon, but when I saw this one particular red colored dragonfly, I immediately thought of Landon. Dragonflies are beautiful and when I see them, I think of Landon.

I've lived in Michigan for most of my life. There are 4 very distinct seasons here. Fall is full of color but I've never noticed that. The past 2 years I've been mesmerized by the colors of fall. Brilliant reds, oranges, browns, yellows, they're just so so beautiful. I can't believe I've missed years of beautiful fall colors, my baby will never see one and I've taken them for granted. The beauty in the fall colors is magnificent and when I see fall colors, I think of Landon.

Sunrise, sunset. I've never cared about the sunrise. I've always been sleeping. Since my son died I take more time. I take time to look at things, things for which I had never had time. One of those things I notice is the beauty in the sunrise and the beauty in the sunset. Pre-loss I simply didn't care. Post-loss I can't get enough. The colors amaze me more every single day. In my job, I am privileged to be able to see the sun rise over the Bay 5 days a week. The beauty amazes me and when I see the sunrise, I think of Landon.

I've never been big on flowers, I like them but they don't really do anything for me. Since Landon passed away, I'm consistently amazed at the beauty in flowers. Each flower is beautiful. I love the colors, I love the smells, and although I never did in the past, I always stop to smell them. Flowers are beautiful and when I see them, I think of Landon

Day 10 is supposed to be a symbol for your baby. Since Landon died, I have started taking time to see the beauty in things. Beauty, somehow, makes me feel hopeful. For me, beauty and hope symbolize my baby. I chose a picture of some flowers and a garden plaque that were given to me by a group of women I met online. We were all pregnant at the same time and due in April 2010. Some of these women have experienced loss, some have not, but they have been great to me during my loss. These flowers and garden stone were given to me from the April 2010 Dew Drops for Landon's first birthday. The stone says it all...

Day 9: Special Place

A special place that brings me peace... 

A beautiful garden created in memory of my angel Landon. A soft glow of lights entangles a winding stone pathway, with an end that circles back to the beginning, each stone picked special and placed accordingly. Flowers abundant with their rainbow colors. Sculptures everywhere, angels, children playing, frogs, squirrels, and bird baths. The calming sound of flowing water, a stream flowing over layers of rocks like little waterfalls. A swing sits in the midst of this beauty, a swing where I can find peace, a swing shaded by a big northern red oak. This big northern red oak sits in the center of it all, a tree planted in memory of my angel, Landon's tree.

This is my special place.

...it exists only in my mind. 

For now, my special place is a just a twig sticking out of the ground, a twig that sprouts new leaves each spring, turn red each fall, and fall off each winter...

Day 8: Jewelry

I have to admit, I had to Google "jewellery vs jewelry" before starting this post. It seems that it's just a cultural thing, jewelry is the preferred spelling in North America, while jewellery is the preferred spelling outside of North America. eh, whatever.

Thinking about jewelry... I have many pieces of jewelry in memory of Landon. If I actually wore every piece at the same time, I'm quite sure I'd weigh an extra 50 pounds ;) No, but really, I have several necklaces, a cross that my mom gave me, his name on a piece of rice that I gave myself, a couple washer charm necklaces with Landon's and Jaxon's name engraved, and several beaded necklaces that other baby loss moms have given me. I have several bracelets, a pony bead type bracelet with his name on it from another baby loss mom, a metal cuff with Landon's and Jaxon's name engraved given to me by a friend, as well as several others. I even have a couple of rings, one I wore as a replacement for my wedding ring when I was pregnant with Landon because my hands were so swollen, and one I wear every single day with Landon's name.

Why jewelry? Why do I have so many pieces of jewelry with Landon's name? I don't wear a ring with Jaxon's name every day, so why do I wear one with Landon's name? Here's the thing, the jewelry is a physical reminder of my son that I can carry with me. I have physical reminders of Jaxon everywhere. His carseat is in my truck. His toys are on my floor. There are physical reminders of Jaxon nearly every place I look. I don't have that with Landon, I have a ring, I have a necklace, I have a bracelet. These are my physical reminders of Landon.

Day 8 is jewelry and I've chosen to take a picture of one of the shelves in Landon's curio cabinet. (forgive the white piece of paper I had to hold under the glass to stop the next shelf and mirror from intruding!) On the top left, in a pretty blue mesh bag is an engraved necklace given to me by a group of women who were all due with babies in April 2010, "once a dewdrop always a dewdrop" I love you ladies and I'm at a place where I'm loving watching Landon grow through your babies. My cuff bracelet with both babies names is near the middle. Also near the middle is my washer charm with both babies names (although my light washed out Landon's name) as well as a charm with both their birthstones. On the right side is another washer with both names hanging out on my cast mold of Landon's foot. Around his ankle is a beaded bracelet that says lil angel, Landon was buried with one and I have one. And right near Landon's toes, I placed the ring I wear every single day.

Day 7: What to Say

When you lose your child, people always have to say something. I'm not sure if they're trying to make you feel better, or trying to make themselves feel better. I wish they would just stop trying so hard.

If you're wondering what you can say, or what you can do, let me help. When you're not sure what to say, there's no need to over think it, keep it simple.

The number one thing that you can do is to acknowledge our baby, our loss. "A person's a person, no matter how small..." our babies were here and they lived a lifetime in our hearts, and one of our biggest fears is that they will be forgotten.

When words won't come, the best thing is to keep it simple... "I'm sorry for your loss" it says everything. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure what to say", there's no need to make it complex, honesty works here. These are beautiful things to say.

If you feel the need to put religion in your words, remember what I said yesterday about religious references, a simple "you're in my prayers" is a perfect option. This is a beautiful thing to say.

And my favorite... Say his name, say Landon. You may see a tear in my eye when you say his name, but you can never feel the joy in my heart that you give when you say his name. Saying his name tells me you remember. This is the most beautiful thing you can do, this is the most beautiful thing you can say.

Day 7 is what to say... I've put together a picture with a few things that are perfect and I've put my favorite across the middle... Landon.

Day 6: What Not to Say

I'll never understand why people always feel the need to say something. You know, sometimes, words are just not appropriate, especially if you don't know what to say. When you don't know what to say, how do you know that the words you've chosen to speak are the right words? How do you know that your need to say something, anything, isn't doing more damage to an already tender heart? Why do people think that they always need to say something?

Sometimes, especially when you don't know what to say, words are better left unsaid.

When you've been through a devastating loss, most people think they have to say some encouraging words, like they have to help you. What they don't know, is that unless their words are carefully chosen, they can hurt more than help.

After I lost Landon, I heard some gems. It has been 2 and a half years since my loss, sometimes words still hurt me, but when you're right in the middle, when your heart is raw, they hurt the worst. There are many many many phrases that really have no place being said to a grieving mother, there's no way I can list them all.

Any reference to the loss "being for the best" is not a good thing to say. Even if you truly believe that the situation happened for the best, which I hope you don't, there's NO WAY the person going through it believes it. It's one of those things that's better left unsaid.

Any reference to trying to make the grieving mother feel better about her situation is not a good thing to say. For example "you're young, you can always have more". Phrases such as this do not help, for the most part, they simply anger the grieving mother. Think about it, do you not think she knows how old she is? She could care less what her age is, what she cares about is that her child is gone, she will never see her precious baby again. Don't you see, it doesn't matter if she goes on to have 6 more kids, she'll always be missing one. These are things that are better left unsaid.

Any reference to religion is not a good thing to say. It doesn't matter how religious the grieving mother is, when her child dies, she will not care that "God has a plan", nor will she care that "her baby is in a better place" (my personal favorite *eyeroll*). Think about it this way... If my son is in such a better place, would you trade places... let your child take the place of mine? These phrases fall in the category of things better left unsaid.

Comparisons... when your baby dies, it is like nothing else. Saying "I know how you feel, my mom died last year" does not compare. When Landon died, I got many comparisons, someone even told me they knew how I felt because their dog died. Let me put it as plainly as I can, in life, we are supposed to encounter death. Your grandparents are supposed to die, your parents are supposed to die, brothers will die before sisters and sisters will die before brothers, and sadly one spouse will die before the other. We are supposed to encounter death. We are not supposed to encounter the death of our children, that's not natural. I read a quote in a pamphlet shortly after Landon died, it said "when your parents die, you have lost your past, when your child dies, you have lost your future." Losing your child is not the way nature is supposed to work, our children are not supposed to die before us, they're just not. Please, please don't compare the loss of a child to anything else. These comparisons are definitely better left unsaid.

I know that people who say these things are just trying to help, but I wish that instead of trying to help, they would think about what they are about to say and decide if it really is better left unsaid. Help by bringing over supper - she most likely could care less about cooking, help by doing a load of laundry - she is probably behind on many household chores, help by going grocery shopping for her - she hates going out because she inevitably sees pregnant people or newborns everywhere she goes... think, and then help.

Even now, 2 and a half years later, people still say things that make my heart stop... just last week, in a conversation about children, a coworker actually said to me "you're lucky Jaxon is an only child"... umm, lucky I'm not, and no he's not.

Day 6 is what not to say, I have done a picture of several things that are better left unsaid, with my personal favorite across the entire thing. You may be thinking that you have to say something, what should you say? Well, I'll tell you tomorrow, as day 7 is what to say.

Day 5: Memorial

Memorial... something that reminds people of a person or an event.

I hate, with all my being, that my son has a memorial. Memorials are for grandparents. Memorials are for parents. Memorials are for soldiers. Memorials shouldn't be for babies. Babies should grow up and create memorials for their parents, not the other way around... it's unnatural, it's not right, it's just not fair.

Unfortunately, life is not always fair.

Day 5 is supposed to be a memorial. I have several things that remind me of Landon, several memorials.

Landon's final resting place - that is his ultimate memorial, I guess. I remember thinking about where to bury my son. I should have been wondering if his name fit, if he had mommy's eyes, daddy's ears, I should have been wondering if he'd nurse well, if he'd sleep through the night, instead I had to wonder about his final resting place. I had never had anything to do with a funeral, I'd never planned a funeral, I'd never planned a burial, I had no idea what to do. I asked my mom to ask my grandma if there was room in her family plot to bury Landon, to bury my baby.
I don't remember much about Landon's funeral, I don't remember much about his burial, I remember kneeling down with my husband to kiss his casket one last time before it was gone.
Landon's place in the cemetery is pretty plain. I don't want it cluttered. I want grass. We chose a black headstone and we keep one or two decorative things there at a time. It's Landon's space and I want it to look respectable. I think it's a beautiful memorial.

A week after Landon died, my husband and I decided to get memorial tattoos. We decided on the same colors but different tattoos. This is our own special memorial for our son. Something we will take with us to our graves. I think they are beautiful memorials.

We wanted to do something special for Landon, create a special place to remember him. We planted a tree, in memory of Landon, in our yard. It's a very little tree, we bought a baby tree. It basically looked like a twig sticking out of the ground and we were sure it wouldn't survive its first winter. Amazingly enough, while I think most people would think it's a pathetic little tree, Landon's tree continues to grow. It sprouts new leaves each spring, they turn red each fall, and they fall off each winter. We have a little memorial plaque and a little cross in the ground with the tree. Eventually we plan to create a garden around Landon's tree. I think it's a beautiful memorial.

When I realized that I would only ever have the pics of my son that I had, that I would never have another picture of him, I was more heartbroken than I already was. No more pictures. No more memories.
I decided I wanted to scrapbook the pictures I had of him. I had never done scrapbooking and was clueless. I searched a bit online and decided digital scrapbooking was for me. I started scrapbooking Landon's pictures. Once I had finished with his pictures, I started scrapbooking his name... it was all I had. I found that seeing his name in different ways was very comforting. I also started doing this for other baby loss mom's, I wanted to bring some comfort to them, but it was very therapeutic for me.
Although I stopped doing this last year, I created many memories for myself and for others. Pictures are a great memorial. I have a space in the living room with Landon's name and a few pictures. I think it's a beautiful memorial.

Since I think each of Landon's memorial are beautiful, I decided to do a collage of them, here is my day 5 photo. The top is a picture of me on Mother's Day, the bottom left is is our tattoos, the bottom center is Landon's tree, and the bottom right is Landon's space on our living room wall. I miss my son.

Day 4: Most Treasured Item

The most treasured thing about your baby, should be your baby himself.

When you no longer have the luxury of holding your sweet child, things, possessions become important. His pictures, a lock of his hair, a cast mold of his foot, the clothes he wore, the blanket he was wrapped in... these items become all you have left to hold on to. Snuggling a blanket and taking in the smell, holding his lock of hair in your hand, these things are all you have left to feel close to your child.

Day 4 is supposed to be your most treasured item. When thinking about this, I struggled. I don't think any of the items I have qualify as my most treasured. I thought of Landon's lock of hair, the only real piece of him left, I treasure his lock of hair, but is that my most treasured? The cast mold of Landon's foot, it is a perfect replication of his foot from mid calf down to his little toes, complete with the wrinkles that were in his skin. I remember holding him and thinking how I would remember his size and I placed his foot on my hand... his toes at the tip of my finger and his heel came right to where my finger joins my hand. When the hospital gave me this cast mold, I immediately placed my finger on his foot, it fit perfectly, I treasure my mold of him, but is that my most treasured? Landon's pictures, time can make you forget the little things, pictures can help you remember. I am ever so grateful to my Aunt for taking so many pictures for us, if not for her, I wouldn't have one single picture of my son, I treasure his pictures, but are they my most treasured?

I have a memory box filled with pictures and ultrasound pictures, hospital papers, his hospital band, his nursery card, his hand prints, his foot prints, baby shower cards, sympathy cards, all of the funeral information, basically pieces of Landon's life from start to finish all in that memory box, but are they my most treasured?

I have a curio cabinet in the living room with things that remind me of Landon, a sculpture of dad with his arms around mom who is holding a baby with angel wings, a glass heart with the footprints poem, a sculpture with a little boy and a balloon of hope, christmas ornaments, pictures, cards with his name on them, his baby blanket, a Mickey Mouse hat with his name and birthday, and some statues from his funeral, but are they my most treasured?

I have my Molly Bear Landon. He moves from place to place. My friend made him for me, he weighs 4 pounds and 12 ounces, just like my Landon weighed when he was born. When I came home from the hospital without my baby, I came in the house and went straight for the couch. Landon's swing was by the couch. I remember lying on the couch for days pushing that empty swing. When I got my bear, he went in the swing and I pushed him... it was the next best thing. He moves around now, sometimes he's in the toy box, sometimes he sits in the jumperoo, sometimes he sits on the floor. He accompanied me to give birth to Landon's baby brother. He is my Landon and I treasure him, but is he my most treasured item?

It took us 11 years to get pregnant with Landon, 11 years struggling with unexplained infertility, it took 9 months to get pregnant with Jaxon. I feel Landon sent me his brother, he at least had a hand in it. Jaxon is my most treasured item, but does that count?

I had a very hard time trying to figure out what my most treasured item was, so I thought what if there was a fire, what would I grab? I would grab Jaxon, my computer, and my Molly Bear Landon. Jaxon is a given, my computer holds copies of every picture I have of Landon, and my Landon Bear allows me to physically hold what I once held, the weight of my baby. I guess I know what my most treasure item(s) are. Here is a picture of Jaxon with my Landon Bear who is holding a picture of Landon... Jaxon, my bear, and his pictures, my most treasured items.

Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

You never want one event in your life to define you, sometimes, however, one event in your life can redefine you. I am not the same person I was before my son died, but I am me... and that's ok.

On March 26, 2010, the "old" me died right along with my son. That person was buried with her son, with my son. Most days, I long to be her... that innocent girl who thought 9 months of pregnancy meant bringing home a baby, but she is replaced by someone who knows that 9 months of pregnancy means nothing. Most days, I'm jealous of her... that innocent girl who saw pregnant woman shopping for their baby and smiled, but she is replaced by someone who sees them shopping and thinks 'maybe you should wait to buy that, just in case'. Most days, I try to forget her...

Everything changes after you experience the loss of your baby. I once read something another baby loss mom wrote about this. She likened it to falling in a big hole, or something, I think. Basically, from what I remember, you're at the bottom and the world you knew is at the top. Your friends, your acquaintances, everyone you knew is at the top. At first, they all try to help you back to the top, they worry about you, they wonder if you're ok. As time goes on, they start to wonder if you'll ever be able to get out of that hole, and some of them move on. As you start to realize that you're in this hole, you start to climb out. Along the climb, you notice that you are not alone, there are other women in the same hole. They have fallen into the same hole of baby loss. Some are closer to the top, and sadly, you notice that some are closer to the bottom. They cry with you. They cheer you on. They help you make the journey back to the top of the hole.
Once you finally get to the top, you realize everything is different. You see, once you've fallen into the hole, you can never go back. You can never go back.

Sometimes I wonder, if I could go back, would I? Would I go back to being innocent, happy, free... if it meant that I would never have Landon, then absolutely not, I would do it all over again, he is my son, he will forever be my son and I wouldn't give him back for anything. I do wish he was still here with me, I wish his little brother had a big brother to play with, but I wouldn't go back.

Day 3 is supposed to be an after loss self portrait. I have chosen a photo of myself, my husband, and our beloved son Landon. As I said, this is an after loss portrait... our son had already left us. I see hurt, I see pain, I see broken dreams, and I see hope lost... and I see my beautiful son.

Day 2: Before loss self portrait

My aunt had a baby die when I was little, a boy in my class died when we were in grade school, my cousin lost his little girl in a tragic freak accident, I knew that people die, kids die, babies die... but that was one of those things that happened to other people, it won't ever happen to you.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back, back before I knew... I mean, I knew people died, kids died, even babies died, but I didn't know... I was naive, I was happy, I was innocent.

And then one day, it does happen to you. I'll never go back, I can't. I will forever know. This girl knew, but didn't know. This is me and my best friend on my wedding day.

Day 1: Sunrise

Can you imagine burying your first born... no sweet baby giggles... no sweet baby smiles... no first tooth... no first steps... instead, you held your baby as his body grew cold, your reality involved a funeral, a cemetery plot, a headstone, and packing up your sweet baby's things. 

The reality is, babies die too.

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. I lost my first two babies to miscarriage in 1999. I lost my third baby to miscarriage in 2006. I said hello and goodbye to my precious son Landon on March 26, 2010.

I noticed some other bereaved mothers "capturing their grief" through photos. I'm a day late starting, but am joining in on this. I decided to start a blog to capture my 31 days. 31 days of photos. 31 days of grief. Any baby loss mom can tell you that your grief is your own. Your journey is your own. We come together and support each other through, we travel this broken road together, yet we are still so very alone. 

Day 1: Sunrise... I'm guessing that is not just a coincidence. Capturing your grief for 31 days and the first day is sunrise *grin* well played.

So, here is my Day 1 photo "sunrise" although it was taken on day 2, and not exactly at sunrise.